Renaming Wrigley

May 17, 2012 | Comments (0) | by Shooter Muldoon

Thanks to an idiot with diarrhea-mouth over at the Wall Street Journal, we've had yet another round of "Well, maybe we should tear down Wrigley"/"No, but maybe you're a fucking idiot" that in no way has become tiresome and idiotic. In no way at all.

But I will admit that as much as I think people who want to abandon ship for a bland, new-construction job are stupid, I don't at all mind new advertising or anything that would help build a Series-worthy team. Hell, I really like the new scoreboard that went up over the offseason, because the Bleacher Boxes were stupid, and so was the Family Seating section incarnation before that. I'd imagine most reasonable Cubs fans acknowledge that it'd be great to win a series, baseball has always been a business big on sponsorship, and that it's a great ballpark - a legendary ballpark - but once you start whispering that it's a cathedral, you need to take a fucking knee. It's baseball - you're not supposed to use your library voice when you're holding an Old Style.

So what level of sponsorship would you accept for a contender? A conversation among the bartenders envisioned a newly-renovated and thoroughly modern Wrigley Field, with one small compromise to modernity - sponsorship. Namely, this:

 Oh, and we even thought of slogans. Credit attributed to the appropriately juvenile bartenders:

Lingering Bursitis

"Tampax Field - Built for comfort."

 "Tampax Field - Home of the most absorbent outfield in MLB." 

"Tampax Field - We screen "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" on the jumbotron between innings." 

"Tampax Field - No, you don't look fat in this baseball stadium."


"Tampax Field - Where you can play baseball! Or go swimming, or horseback riding, or play tennis ..." 

"Tampax Field - Where all the elevators are like that one from The Shining."

"Tampax Field - Where the Cubs keep up a heavy flow ... of WINS!"

"Tampax Field - A cardboard applicator full of family fun!"

"Tampax Field - Are you really going to trust your white pants to Store Brand Field?"

Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

"Tampax Field - This isn't a good week."

"Tampax Field - Stay too long and you'll get toxic shock syndrome."

"Tampax Field - Because fairweather fans bleed Cubbie Blue periodically."

Mr. Funk

"Tampax Field - Where We Bleed Cubbie Blue (liquid)"

"Tampax Field - Where it's not 'hormones,' it's 'steroid rage!'"


"Tampax Field - Now with wings!"