Ron Weasley: Nervous pitcher
Name: David Christopher Patton
Nicknames: Powder, O-Face, Jake's Stunt Double
Media Guide Year: 2009
Acquired: From the Reds for cash considerations the same day they picked him up in the Rule V draft in 2008. JIM HENDRY: DEALMAKER
Random Write-Up: David Patton was a Rule V guy who had an impressive Spring Training once upon a time. The Cubs, one playoff collapse removed from being perhaps the best team in baseball, were slated to contend for the pennant. It follows, then, that they would spend the majority of the year keeping a roster spot for a guy who had gone 4-5 in for the single-A Modesto Nuts the previous season. Right? Congratulations, you're Jim Hendry!
It became apparent fairly soon that the man was as overmatched as he was hairless, culminating in a Saturday relief appearance against the Cardinals in May 2009 that was so cartoonishly brutal it should have been the first act of an underdog Disney baseball movie. Subbing in for Sean Marshall with the Cubs down 3-1 against the hated rivals in St. Louis, our man gave up a single and proceeded to walk the bases full for Albert Pujols, who has been known to do some clutch hitting in his time. With the bases loaded and the meth-mouthed rabble of Busch stadium as far toward the edge of their seats as their fat fucking asses will allow, Mr. Patton throws a fastball down the middle to the best hitter in baseball. Game. Fucking. Over. Final score 8-2, Cards.
In 27.2 relief innings that year, the man we had to hang on to, lest he be scooped by an enterprising rival, managed a 1.807 WHIP and an ERA north of 6. He got "injured" and placed on the DL after the deadline had passed for the Cubs to hang on to him. Jim Hendry was said to have been seen tenting his fingers and laughing at a plate of chicken nachos later that evening. He need not have bothered. One crappy season in Daytona later, he was cut loose for good. He presumably wanders the central plains now, righting wrongs and teaching Mormon women about kung-fu love.
At least he got a cool $400,000 for his trouble, and a minor spot in the Cubs team history. Better than I can say. Of course, I never had Albert Pujols crush my soul either.
Also of Note: Over a thousand people have watched this video of him throwing a routine bullpen session in 2009. This makes me far more depressed and disappointed in the Internet than all but the darkest German scat porn found in the dank FTP basements of the web's underbelly.