2006 Fantasy Hurricane League

June 19, 2006 | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Well since our last post the Cubs have put on a 6-game crapfest. I can deal with the Cubs sucking for the most part but its become damn hard to write about them this season. As soon as they fall behind by 3 or more runs, I turn the game off. They basically give up once they're down by a few runs, its just sickening. And we might as well dub Roberto Novoa the nickname "Surrender". Whenever they throw him in its as if the Cubs have given up all hope for a comeback.

Anyway, enough about the Scrubs for now. There's more important things to talk about, like: The 2006 TMS Fantasy Hurricane League. That's right, to further cement our seats on the bus straight to hell, we've devised a fantasy leagues for the upcoming hurricane season, which has been predicted to be huge.

So here's the premise. Each member of the Saloon participated in a four-round draft. Each member picked from the list of 2006 hurricane names that will be used this season. Alberto had already become a Tropical Storm at the time of the draft so that pick was not allowed. Once the draft concluded, each Saloon member had a team of four possible hurricanes to earn points with. The scoring will go as such.

  • Become Tropical Storm = 5 Points
  • Category 1 Hurricane = 10 Points
  • Category 2 = 20 Points
  • Category 3 = 30 Points
  • Category 4 = 40 Points
  • Category 5 = 50 Points
  • United States = 50 Points
  • Mexico = 30 Points
  • Cuba = 20 Points
  • Hispaniola (Haiti/Domincan Republic) = 20 Points
  • Central American Countries = 10 Points each
  • The following Caribbean nations = 5 points each:
  • Antigua and Barbuda
  • Aruba
  • Barbados
  • Bahamas
  • Virgin Islands (British and U.S. count as one)
  • Cayman Islands
  • Jamaica
  • Martinique
  • Montserrat
  • Puerto Rico
  • Saint Lucia
  • Trinidad and Tobago
  • Mass Evacuations = 30 points per state
  • County/Parish declared disaster area = 10 points per county/parish
Once a storm reaches Tropical Storm status it earns a name. Members will get 5 points for that. They will then earn points for every category it grows to from there on. If it gets to Category 1 hurricane status you would get an additional 10 points. Cat. 2, an additional 20. So if your storm hits the magical category 5 you will have accrued a total of 155 points. If a storm weakens and downgrades, but then later gains strength again and upgrades, you will not receive any additional credit for category levels that have already been reached. So if your storm goes from category 2 back to 1 and back up to 2, you do not get credit for the second category 2 status. Once the storm hits, you will get 10 points for every county/parish declared a federal disaster area. Disaster areas must be declared by the state's governor to receive credit.

Whichever team earns the most points at the conclusion of hurricane season wins.

The draft was held last week. We went with a serpentine draft to keep with true fantasy league formats. The order went as such:
  1. Chaim Witz
  2. Brant Brown
  3. Governor Gray Davis
  4. Chip Wesley
  5. Chi-Town Girl
Here's what transpired.

CHAIM: My pick is Ernesto. Hurricane Prospectus has Ernesto as "a blue chip prospect with a bad attitude and a appetite for destruction. Also goes by the nickname 'Motherfucker'".

BRANT: With the second pick in the inaugural 2006 Hurricane Fantasy Draft, Brant Brown selects: Hurricane Isaac, former Tropical Storm, University of Miami Hurricanes.
Overheard in the draft room: "Fantastic pick by the Brant Brown squad. Isaac has a ton of upside, and he's long, so his diameter will have an excellent chance of brushing the mainland on a variety of Caribbean Islands and possibly the continental United States. I haven't been this excited about a pick since Andrew in 1992." -- Willard Scott

GOV: With the third pick in the inaugural 2006 Hurrican Fantasy Draft, GovernorGrayDavis selects: Hurricane Chris, aka "The Caribbean Crusher"
"Classic sabremetric hurricane selection. The Gov is playing the numbers here, recognizing "C" hurricanes have a high OSP (On Shore Percentage) and excellent DSM (Destruction per Square Mile). The folks over at the front office clearly believe they have another 'Camille' on their hands."

CHIP: With the fourth pick in the 2006 Hurricane Fantasy Draft, Chip Wesley selects: Hurricane Florence.
"Not as blockbuster as previous picks, but Flo has all the intangibles that Chip likes in his storms. Not much is known about Flo but scouts say she ranks high on the C5P scale (Category 5 Potential).

CHAIM: Ok I am going to be on vacation in Jamaica from Sept 8-14.
If one of those hits while I'm there the person that has that hurricane should just automatically win or at least get jackpot bonus points. If said hurricane hurts, maims or kills me they also get first pick in next years draft.
If I think I may survive though, midway through the storm I will curse this game (and you fuckers) and throw myself at the mercy of the wind, letting it carry my pasty white body out to sea, preferabbly so I can be attacked by a great white shark and die a proper death.

CHI-TOWN: I've spoken with Mike Hodges and he's told me that he's cut a deal with Ming the Merciless from the planet Mongo. They have assured him that Hurricane Michael will be topping the charts this year. Appropriately, I will be also selecting Hurricane Gordon in case the deal falls through.

Chi-Town Girl made Gordon her 2nd round pick.

CHIP: My pick is Debby. This will keep my all-chick hurricane team plus I get dibs on all "Debby Does the Dominican" jokes. Ba-dum-ching!

GOV: GovernorGrayDavis picked Helene because its similar to Helena, his favorite city in Montana and My Chemical Romance song. He has nothing to offer at this point.

With the 9th pick overall, Brant Brown selects: Hurricane Leslie.
From the draft room: "Another superb pick by the folks at senior management. I forecast Hurricane Leslie as having tremendous upside potential in 2006. Just check out this video footage from last month's combine".

Chaim Witz selects Hurricane Kirk (Cameron), "a whirling dervish of death and broken dreams", and Hurricane Sandy who, as a freshman "was not much more than a glorified fart...an undersized tweener who makes up for lesser physical skills with heart, passion and galeforce."

at this point our banter wore down so here is the remaining picks without the witty remarks.

12. BRANT - Tony
13. GOV - Oscar
14. CHIP - Joyce
15. CHI-TOWN - Nadine
16. CHI-TOWN - Patty
17. CHIP - Beryl
18. GOV - Rafael
19. BRANT - Valerie
20. CHAIM - William

And here's how the teams shaped up.
CHAIM Ernesto Kirk Sandy William
BRANT Isaac Leslie Tony Valerie
GOV Chris Helene Oscar Rafael
CHIP Florence Debby Joyce Beryl
Michael Gordon Nadine Patty

We'll be updating the league progress as the season heats up.


Governor X @ 10:27 AM, June 20, 2006

I want to go on the record opposing the inclusion of Puerto Rico on the list of Carribean "nations".

Awful Announcing- @ 9:06 PM, July 29, 2006

F'ing hilarious.