Anti-All Star Team Revisited

June 30, 2006 | Comments (2) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Almost two months ago I put together a two-part series naming my early selections for the Anti-All Star Team. You can check out the AL team here, and NL here. Granted that was only after a month's worth of games, and some of the early ballot favorites have snapped out of their funk, some have not. Now as we've reached the close of the real All-Star voting, I thought we'd go back and tweak our AAS lineup, as we assemble a fresh crop of pure craptitude.

Joining me this time is fellow Saloon member, Brant Brown to offer his two cents to the cause.


FIRST BASE - Lance Niekro, SF - .255, 4 HR, 26 RBI

    Brant: J.T. Snow could put up these numbers.
    Chip: The rapper Snow could put up these numbers.

SECOND BASE - Kazuo Matsui, COL - .200, 1 HR, 7 RBI
    Brant: Fantastic job by Matsui of cheating the New York Mets out of money. At least this proves that not all Japanese stars can pan out in the Majors. Oh wait, Hideki Irabu taught us that. If Hideki Matsui felt obligated to apologize for breaking his wrist during a game, then this guy must be suicidal. Talk about dishonoring your country. Shame.
    Chip: Wow, this guy when he's not hurt, is making more than half of the entire Marlins payroll to basically play in AAA.

THIRD BASE - The corpse of Vinny Castilla, SD - .237, 3 HR, 20 RBI
    Brant: He sucked in RFK last year. What in the world would make Padres management think that this guy could hit in Petco Park? Yet he’s the kind of player that will hang around and end up swindling another team out of a chunk of cash next year. It defies logic. The only possible reasoning behind signing this guy must be the immense respect across MLB for the big-league cut.
    Chip: I don't think there's another player whose career has benefitted greater from the "Coors Factor" than Castilla. This is his 16th season in the bigs. 8 have been in Colorado, 6 of which he hit for 30+ homers and 90+ RBI. Impressive yes, except he's never reached those marks when playing anywhere else. Well I guess if you combine his totals in 2001 with Tampa Bay and Houston he had 91 RBI. Nonetheless, this guy is pretty worthless now.

SHORTSTOP - Clint Barmes, COL - .209, 3 HR, 41 RBI
    Brant: Well, you can’t blame his poor performance on the deer meat incident from last year. It’s amazing that a guy could hit under .250 playing half of his games in Coors Field.
    Chip: Yeah .209 is pretty brutal. Sadly though his 41 RBI is only one less than current Cubs RBI leader Aramis Ramirez. I wanted to put Furcal in here, but his defense and steals kept him off the roster.

CATCHER - Jason LaRue, CIN - .178, 4 HR, 11 RBI
    Brant: It’s amazing that this guy still has a job in the Majors. They just don’t grow good catchers anymore.
    Chip: What can you really say? Here's what Chaim Witz said about him a few weeks ago: "Jason LaRue: I mean, really, Jason LaRue? I had previously thought he retired in the late 90's, but I must have confused him with one of the other vanilla, faceless catchers who stay around based on their ability to 'call a game'. That .171 batting average will not get you laid."

OUTFIELD - Chris Duffy, PIT - .194, 0 HR, 4 RBI
    Brant: This kid has a thing or two to learn about baseball. He got hit in the head by Schilling in spring training and basically bitched to the media about Schilling afterward, to which Schilling replied, “Who’s Chris Duffy?” Then he goes AWOL when he gets assigned to the minors, like a baby, and takes a break from the game to “get his head straight”. Basically this kid has a combination of Rich Hill disease and Zack Greinke disease. The only cure is to grow a pair of balls.
    Chip: Chris decided to create the sequel to "Operation Shutdown". We'll see if OSII has a happier ending. Operation Shutdown III is in pre-production and is to star Treat Williams as a down-on-his-luck cop, trying to clean up a city full of corruption. Look for it next month on Cinemax.

OUTFIELD - Juan Pierre - .252, 1 HR, 12 RBI
    Brant: When the Cubs traded for Juan Pierre, it was assumed that he would steal upwards of 50 bases. What the Cubs failed to realize is that in order for this to happen, Pierre must first get on base. Sadly, the Cubs appear to be stuck with Pierre’s ineptitude for the remainder of the year.
    Chip: Jesus, the one spot in the lineup Dusty doesn't tinker with when he probably should. And the next person that blames his struggles on the taller grass in Wrigley gets stabbed in the jaw.

OUTFIELD - Reggie Abercrombie - .218, 3 HR, 14 RBI
    Brant: – I’m not sure that I’ve even seen this kid on a highlight reel. All I can be sure of is that he stands on the dugout steps with his shirt off during batting practice, as obnoxiously loud hip-hop music plays over the stadium PA system.
    Chip: I knew nothing about him when he made the AAS Team last time. Since then he's done nothing to change that. Also I still hate Abercrombie & Fitch.

I'll be back later for the American League.....


Governor X @ 4:56 PM, June 30, 2006

is Juan Pierre's hat crooked in that picture? What a homo.

Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan @ 10:31 PM, June 30, 2006

His hat is always crooked. He's the modern-day Pokey Reese. Whatever happened to that guy?