Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

February 12, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each, ahem, month (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: (beating bare chest, flicking cigarette at camera): Danny Bonaduce

Don't laugh at that picture. Seriously. If you do, Danny Bonduce will find you. What will ensue, more than likely, is the following:

Danny Bondaduce driving to your house and knocking angrily on your door. A verbal confrontation, to include adult language and frantic hand gestures. Danny Bonaduce headbutting you ("That was out of nowhere," you think to yourself). Danny pulling you off the ground by your lapels, your vision blurred and the metallic taste of blood in your mouth. Danny apologizing, saying he's had a rough time lately, and asking you off the cuff if you've ever watched 'Breaking Bondaduce'. You say no. He says, well you should, then you would know the head space that that he's in. You resolve to Netflix the DVDs when they come out. A shaky truce is reached.

Weeks later, after consulting with your lawyer, you move forward with a lawsuit. Danny shows up in court shirtless. The judge is confused and slightly aroused and calls for a mistrial. In the end, you settle out of court, but for a sum that is much lower than what you had hoped for. In fact, after paying your legal fees, you are essentially breaking even. Long story short, Danny Bonaduce just wrecked your life. So please, look at that picture, but do so respectfully.

Danny Bonduce may be the toughest of all the redheads. He gained fame as a child actor in The Partridge Family, playing the aptly named 'Danny Partridge'. He apparently would get confused when called by a different 'character' name, which led to lots of on-set awkward silence and more than one pants peeing. Given the fact that Danny looked nothing like any of the other members of the family it is widely assumed that he was the product of a tequila and ecstasy fueled tryst between Shirley Partridge and their manager, Reuben Kincaid. Anyway, the show was apparently about four Vietnam vets, framed for a crime they didn't commit, who helped the innocent while on the run from the military. Shit, actually that may have been The A-Team, but lets be honest...The Partridge Family would have been way cooler had that really been what it was about.

After doing the whole 'child actor gone bad' thing (you know, drugs, unemployment, the erosion of one's boyish good looks, general strife, etc), Danny took the next logical career step, boxing Donny Osmond in a charity boxing event. Was the outcome of the fight really ever in question? I mean, really, Donny Osmond? Really? Barry Williams of Brady Bunch fame was next in line for the prestigious 'former 70's child star middleweight title' and was handled by Danny as well. Naturally, this fight aired on Fox. Todd Bridges patiently awaits his title shot.

Danny is famous for beating up a transvestite in 1991. This saddened Eddie Murphy. So Eddie allegedly had sex with said transvestite. It was a win-win for everybody in the end.
Danny then went on to disc jockey fame, hosting various radio shows and generally pissing off the listening public. He also starred on the ill fated male version of The View called The Other Half, with Dick Clark and Slater from Saved By the Bell. Color me shocked that that one never took off. Sure sounded like a foolproof ratings bonanza on paper.

Danny, always one to think things through and make rational choices in both his career and personal life, later married his wife after knowing her for seven hours, so that he could have sex with her. Always a good idea. He then lived out his marital and personal strife on the VH1 series 'Breaking Bonaduce', which as I mentioned before might be a good idea to Netflix, lest he show up on your door and headbutt you. His verbal confrontation when he was approached by some dude from a 9/11 conspiracy theory website (named John Connor...huh, Terminator?) while eating lunch helped seal his legacy and did nothing to dispel the notion of redheads having tempers. That fact that he continues to eat throughout the confrontation leads me to believe that Danny is nothing if not hungry.

Danny now is one of the co-hosts on Adam Carolla's radio show. He will occasionally interject something in his 4-pack-a-day rasp, which I often mistake for radio static, so I fiddle with the radio dial, trying to correct what seems to be an interrupted signal. Nope, just Danny.

He wears very tight t-shirts (when he decides to wear a shirt) and has a fitness workout called Podfitness. The basis of this fitness program is that is you don't want to work out, Danny will make you. He will come to your house, and if you try to stop exercising he will put a cigarette out on your arm. He will threaten your children by glaring at them and cracking his knuckles. He will rummage through your cupboards, crying out "What is this shit?" as he violently rips open boxes of sugary cereal and rummages through your medicine cabinet. He will then watch Survivor as you complete your 3rd hour on the treadmill, running up a gigantic long distance bill while he's at it. This really pisses you off, as you at least wanted to be able to hear who got kicked off Survivor, but Danny is blabbing to his shrink. How rude. Never the less, the Bonaduce regimen is a proven winner. Podfitness helped me lose 12 pounds and add muscle. I can wear a swimsuit without shame for the first time in years. Thanks Danny!

As for what the future holds for Danny, look for him to soon star in a sitcom pilot with David Spade, playing two womanizing brothers who are taught a lesson in humility at the end of every half hour. This show will serve as a midseason replacement to a failed Michael Richards 'comeback vehicle' and will fare poorly in the ratings. After only 3 episodes, 2 backstage tirades and countless annoying promos of Danny getting David in a 'playful headlock' for the camera, Fox will cancel the show.

Despondent, Danny will box, but not other celebrities. He will literally just stand on the corner of Hollywood Blvd. and challenge everyone that walks by to try to kick his ass for five bucks. Few will take him up on this offer and even fewer will succeed.

I couldn't find a good enough picture of young Danny. Instead, by default, I will post this picture of a young Jonathan Lipnicki.