Ski Masks

February 06, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

So it's pretty fucking cold here in Chicago. With windchill it clocks in at a hearty 30 below. So I guess I shouldn't have been shocked when I got on the train this morning and there was a guy standing there wearing a ski mask. But I was. He was fat. He was wearing a maroon ski mask. I panicked. It took all the restraint I could muster not to tackle him and hold him down until help arrived.

So that's what it has come to has it, ski mask? Seriously, what ever happened to those? I remember when I was a kid and I had a navy blue one. And Sweet Iris was it warm. I would run around the front yard, oh so innocently, making snow forts and sweating like Marlon Brando vacationing in Cuba. But then as Bruce Hornsby would croon, "This is the eeeennndddd...of the innocence."

Now ski masks have become an international symbol of terror. Hell, even looking at the picture to the right, I literally pooped my pants. Yes literally. Cleanup in aisle one.

Who wears ski masks now? Bad guys. Terrorists. The occasional thug. Tough guys. Bank robbers. Home robbers. Rapists. Serial killers. Hippies. You won't catch any self respecting 'skier' dead in one. Though you may actually find a skier dead at the hands of a terrorist who was wearing one.

Well guess what? I'm going to bring the innocence of the ski mask back. That's right. I'm the least threatening person that I know, so I think it is appropriate that a peace loving man (see: wuss) such as myself brings it back. I'll start out with a non-threatening color. Black implies menace. Pink, homosexuality. Maybe a solid, non-threatening royal blue. Dress it up with some nice khaki slacks. Accessorize with a scarf. If this doesn't work and people still flee at the mere sight of me, I will start to skip. Yep, that's right, might as well bring skipping back too while I'm at it. Two birds with one stone. After all, what is less threatening then skipping? Perhaps galloping, but that's neither here nor there and could be debated into the night.

Now this may all sound a tad absurd and frankly you are probably angered that you have read this far into the post without getting so much as a chuckle. But one day, when you see your next door neighbor watering his lawn in a ski mask ('Howdy Neighbor!') or your grandmother knits you a ski mask for Christmas, you'll know where the trend started.

I'm bringing ski masks back. Next up: the fanny pack.