I Heart NY (and Rock Star)

July 25, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Tonight the Cubs took one step closer to mediocrity with another logic defying win over the first place Mets. Ryan Dempster also continued his metamorphosis into Mitch Williams and was mercifully pulled by Dusty right before he would have given up Paul Lo Duca's game winning double into the gap.

Is it just me or has Dempy put on a few extra lbs. the past month or so? Whilst flipping over from my favorite piece of summertime cheese 'Rockstar: Supernova', I had to adjust the rabbit ears on my TV, thinking for a second I was seeing the triumphant return of Ruben Quevedo, now donning a stylish orange goatee. Nope, just Dempster. He must be on the Neifi Perez diet. Eatin' good in the neighborhood. Shit, bases loaded one out?

Flip back to Rock Star, where Tommy Lee is poetically doling out compliments using a combination of the words 'dude', 'rock', 'gnarly' and 'sweet' and not so subtly working his way into Storm Large's panties. The only thing that could make this show better would be by replacing Dave Navarro with Peter Gammons (who would still be required to wear his shirt unbuttoned all the way a la the ex-Mr. Carmen Elektra) and maybe adding Bronson Arroyo into the mix as one of the rockers.

Ok, back to the Cubs game. Julio Franco? This spells trouble. True story. When I was 11 years old I pleaded with my mother to legally change my name to Julio, because Sir Julio was my favorite player. Julio Handfelt. A nice Spanish-German name if there ever was one. Why was he my favorite player when I had no allegiance whatsoever towards the Indians? I guess for the same reason Fernando Valenzuela, Cecil Fielder and John Wehner all held that coveted post. John Wehner, really? Yes, really. I'm an idiot who should not be trusted with even the most simple of tools.

Anyway, humoring me, my mom went as far as to place a phone call to the courthouse as to inquire as to what the process would be. She said it would cost $200, all of which would come out of my allowance. F' that. I maintain to this day that mother never actually dialed that number and it was all just a simple ruse. If she tried that same trick today, I would surely call her bluff, as sure as my name would be Julio.

Back to the game. As could have been predicted by anyone who has watched Julio Franco play major league baseball the past 22 years, he tries to poke one to the opposite field, only to have it nabbed by a diving Neifi. There's that Neifi range for ya! Let it be noted that it was one of those plays where you're like, 'Why did he just dive for that? He totally could have got to that without diving. What a douche!'

2 outs in the 9th, but now another walk. Red-haired Ruben is now being pulled for Bobby Howry, who in the long line of Cubs pitching greats like Jerome Williams and Kerry Wood, wears a unsightly necklace when he pitches. Rub it for good luck!

Ok, back to Rock Star while he warms up. Dilana kicking some ass again, though nothing can top her performance of 'Lithium', which made me alternately scared and horny. Are Jason Newsted and Tumnus from Narnia separated at birth? I pledge allegiance to you, Rock Star. American Idol, I hardly knew ye.

Ok, back to the game. Lo Duca pops it up...snagged by Neifi in true Rock Star fashion! Can we bump him up a few spots on the 'range' list? He's like grease lightning out there. How is this guy not a perennial Gold Glover? They should actually rename the 'Gold Glove' the 'Neifi Glove'. Seriously, who wouldn't want to win one of those? Julio Handfelt sure would. And I'm sure Franco wouldn't mind either.