Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

July 30, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Rick Astley

Rick Astley is hardcore. In 1988 this gangly Brit burst onto the stagnant American music scene with the rocker 'Never Gonna Give You Up', which bitchslapped it's way to #1. He then followed that up with another right hook, this one a little ditty called 'Together Forever'. A musical hurricane like this hadn't been experienced since Ole' Blue Eyes. The world had been effectively 'Ast-raped'.

Then the bottom fell out. Quicker than Mel Gibson can say 'I hate Jews', Rick Astley's once promising career swandived into a Brien Taylor-like oblivion. Depserate to revive his flagging career, Rick enlisted a team of crack scientists (Rick thought this meant, 'skilled and first rate', but alas they actually were scientists who abused crack) to help his cause. They decided the best way to preserve his greatness would be to clone him. Unfortunately, the experiment went haywire, with lots of explosions, overflowing beakers and spilled toxic chemicals. The end result was Clay Aiken.

These days, Rick makes the rounds on the British pub circuit, touring with Basia and selling CD's online to my mom and probably the Saloon's own Brant Brown, who likely buys his CD's on account that Rick is British. His voice is still deeper than it has any right to be and even though he claims that he's "happier than he's ever been", deep down he is wretched and resentful.

Rick was last seen at a Liverpool flea market, trying to pawn off boxes of leftover 'I was Ast-raped. Rick Astley World Tour 1988' t-shirts.

Shawn Green will not be seeing Apocalypto.