Chip's Postseason Rambling Recap

11:31 AM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

I know, original title. What the hell have we posted that isn't frickin' rambling? Some day we'll write something that is coherent and well-thought out. But don't get your hopes up.

I'm going to try and give a brief recap of the postseason games in an ongoing series. I'm sure I'll fall terribly behind over the weekend and will give up by monday, but dammit we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

ALDS Game 1
Oakland 3, Minnesota 2
W -
Zito
L -
Santana
SV -
Street

Wait, that wasn't supposed to happen. Santana's start was a given win for Minnesota. But instead the Twins bats were impatient with Zito, slapping everything thrown at them for routine outs. Zito only had 1 frickin' strikeout. But this win probably just added a couple million to his price tag this offseason. And how about Frank Thomas? It's almost too bad he couldn't have hit those two dingers while facing the White Sox. Plus how many people do you think were shocked to realize that Frank Thomas was even playing in the majors still? Now Minnesota is hoping to even things up and their chances rest on the arm of a rookie named after Teen Wolf's girlfriend. Here's a factoid for you. Did you know that John Bonser had his first name legally changed to Boof a few years ago? No lie.

Speaking of Boof Bonser. Did you also know he's part of the trade that Minnesota made with San Francisco a few years ago? The Twins sent Asshole Pierzynski and a wad of cash to the Giants for Boof, Francisco Liriano and Joe Nathan. How does a San Francisco fan look at that trade now and not want to drive a Ryder truck full of explosives into the Giants offices?

NLDS Game 1
St. Louis 5, San Diego 1
W -
Carpenter
L -
Peavy

Can't say I care too much who wins this series. If you're holding a gun to my head I guess I'd begrudgingly pick the Cards, but only because I absolutely despise the Padres, and the recent "Wait 'Till Next Year" documentary on HBO reaffirmed my hatred. That and Piazza plays for the Pads. What blows my mind is how a team can make the playoffs and wheel out their "ace" for Game 1 who managed to go 11-14 on the year. Your frickin' best pitcher was 3 games below .500! And it's not just Peavy. Clay Hensley went 11-12, and Chan Ho Park went 7-7. Only two guys in that rotation managed to pitch above .500. Again, how did this team make the playoffs? We know how the Cardinals made the playoffs. They benefitted from playing in the shittiest division in the majors. But yesterday they stepped it up, with Albert Poopholes hitting a homer and Chris Carpenter pitching a gem like he's capable of doing. Thursday's Game 2 is a duel of the burnouts as Jeff Weaver faces David Wells. Wells was supposed to pitch Game 1 but was scratched due to gout in his foot. Fucking gout?! That's what people get when they're fat and lazy and drink too much and have a shitty diet. And he's the Padres Game 2 starter? You stay classy San Diego. Why do I see the Cards taking this in 3?

ALDS Game 1
Detroit 4, New York 8
W -
Wang
L -
Robertson

How many goofy headlines do you think run through New York news editors' heads whenever Chien-Ming Wang pitches? "Yanks pull Wang out for Game 1 Victory". "New York's Postseason Hopes Rest on Wang". The possibilities are endless. Detroit makes it to their first postseason since 1988 thanks to some great pitching and overachieving hitting. The Yankees made it into the postseason because they're the fucking Yankees and that's what they do. Led by Derek Jeter's 5-for-5 hitting, the Yanks pounded Nate Robertson for 12 hits and 7 runs. The Tigers had their fair share of hits as well but couldn't capitalize, leaving 14 on base. If Detroit expects to have any chance in this series, their pitching will need to shut down this all-star offense of New York's. However that's like asking Josh Hartnett to legitimately try to act in a movie. Tonight it will be Justin Verlander vs. Mike Mussina. The rookie Verlander was lit up pretty fierce in his only appearance against the Yanks earlier this season.

As New York looks to bulldoze their way through the playoffs, I'm reminded of the immortal words of Dark Helmet:

"Now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb."

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