War Criminals: San Diego Padres

October 07, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

I write this as the Padres are bending over for the Cardinals, but that’s not why I’m handing down this indictment for war crimes (They're actually winning today's game, but they'll lose the series). Oh sure, it doesn’t help matters, particularly since the Cardinals couldn’t beat a little league team at the end of the season, but its not the main crime.

Consider the facts:

They finished in last place their first six years in the league.

They have lost 100 games the same number of times they have made the playoffs (5).

Notable Padre fans include Jerry Lewis and former California Governor Pete “Shit-heel” Wilson.

They have never had a no-hitter or a player hit for the cycle.

Their mascot, the Swinging Friar, is “a whimsical takeoff on Father Junipero Serra” who founded the California mission system. This is just gay.

Having been to Old Comiskey Park and the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum, I can safely say Qualcomm Stadium was the worst place to watch a ballgame ever. (To be fair, their new home Petco Pooper-Scooper Park is pretty damn nice.)

Notable Padres include Tony Gwynn, Dave Winfield, and Trevor Hoffman - END OF LIST.

Dave Roberts is their starting left-fielder.

Manager Bruce Bochy is from France.

Turd-brown uniforms.

Camoflage uniforms.

Famous dates in Padre history:

June 20, 1970 - The Padres are no-hit by the Pirates’ Dock Ellis who later claimed to be high on LSD at the time.

In 1974, Padre owner Ray Kroc (of McDonald’s fame) took to the stadium PA system to personally apologize for the team’s play, saying “I’ve never seen such stupid ball playing in my life.”

July 25, 1990 - Roseanne Barr "sings" the national anthem, grabs her crotch, and spits before a Padre game. (Believe it or not, this little gem isn't on youtube.)

I know what you’re saying, “OK OK, so they suck - so what?” Being that bad, for that length of time is a crime in and of itself, but I’m getting to my two main points.

1. No matter how shitty they are, they play the Dodgers like it’s the World Series.

2. Padre fans are obnoxious. This is an extension of the little-man syndrome San Diego as a whole suffers from. The entire city has a chip on its shoulder. Why, I could never figure out. Its pretty nice, particularly when compared to its neighbor to the north. When I went down to San Diego for college, I had no idea about any of this. I had even rooted for the Padres in the 1998 World Series (they rewarded my faith by getting swept by New York). Turns out they believe Padres/Dodgers is as important as Giants/Dodgers. Sorry guys, its not. You aren’t that important.

I would like to close with the immortal words of Ron Burgundy: “Go fuck yourself San Diego.”