Realm of Red: Redhead of the Week

8:15 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week (or so) I will profile various redheads who paved the way for our own Thunder Matt. These men and women opened doors (often times kicking them in due to their fiery tempers) that would have otherwise kept Thunder Matt toiling in Independent Baseball leagues, shagging fly balls in Newark and frequenting seedy hotels. We tip our Cubs hats to these fair-skinned pioneers.

Today's Redhead: Ronald McDonald

Today is a special edition of Realm of Red. We here at TMS got an exclusive interview with the legendary redhead. Tucked away in the corner booth at a local Village Inn, Ronald sucked down coffee, chainsmoked menthols and talked to us about life, love and the Golden Arches.

TMS: McDonald's has been in the news quite a bit lately, none of it particularly positive...Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation have all portrayed your company in a rather unflattering light.
RM: Gay.
TMS: What's that?
RM: Jesus I'm hungover. Gay. That Morgan Spurlock guy. H-O-M-O. But he does have a point. I haven't had a Big Mac in years. Quite frankly, they give me the goots. I packed on quite a few lb's eating all that shit. (Looking at his cigarette) I suppose that's why I started smoking these bastards. (Pats his belly) Gotta keep the gut in check. My old lady doesn't like a fat clown.
TMS: Back to the negative image of McDonald's in the media...
RM: (interrupting) What kind of hack piece are you writing? Why is it always McDonald's? Why doesn't anyone ever mention how Wendy is always out whoring around? Or how the King at BK has known ties to Al Qaeda? And Hardees. Well, no one really goes there, but still. Monster Burger? More like Instant Enema. I mean, I try to avoid the newspapers, cause it's all bad news, ya know? (To waitress) Hey sugar tits, how bout a refill on my java over here? (continuing) Earthquakes, wars, all that shit with Ryan White...
TMS: Ryan White?
RM: Yeah, you know, the kid with AIDS. Poor bastard.
TMS: Um, Ronald when was the last time you actually looked at the newspaper?
RM: Late 80's maybe? I dunno, this past decade has been a blur.
TMS: Let's play word association.
RM: I hate that game.
TMS: Hamburglar.
RM: A liar and a thief. Slept with my third wife. And I keep telling him to update his outfit. Uh, you're not fooling anybody with that mask Zorro. Guy should get the chair.
TMS: Grimace.
RM: Celebrity Fit Club. More than likely has murdered children.
TMS: Birdie the Early Bird.
RM: Hit that.
TMS: Really?
RM: She's had a rough life. She was looking for a father figure. I took advantage of that fact and slept with her.
TMS: In 2005 you robbed a Wendy's.
RM: I like me a Frosty. I'm broke. I had it on good sources that the Derby winner was a lock. My friend, I have two addictions. Sex and horses. And not in that order. Wait, does that makes sense? Don't write that I have sex with horses. (to waitress) Yeah, I ordered the Southwest Skillet. This has ham. What? No, take this shit back. Do you know who I am? Goddamn right you do! Off you go..scoot. That better be on the house too. (continuing) Where were we?
TMS: There's a McDonalds video game. What is this teaching kids?
RM: To eat your french fries or you ain't getting a sundae. (laughs heartily and slaps table, spilling coffee on his lap). Sweet mother of pearl! Hot cock, hot cock!
WAITRESS: Sir, I'm gonna have to have you keep your voice down, there are children...
RM: (yelling) I just spilled hot coffee on my lap. I will sue you! Go back to your trailer and get me my skillet!
TMS: How many times have you been married Ronald?
RM: (taking a long pull off his cigarette) Five....five too many my friend. Marriage is like Chicken McNuggets. They sound good, especially covered in honey, but really they're fake, rubbery and heavy on the sour, light on the sweet.
TMS: That was the worst analogy I've ever heard.
RM: Thank you.
TMS: Was that sweet/sour part a reference to sweet and sour sauce?
RM: Yes.
TMS: Terrible.
RM: (ashamed) I know.
TMS: Well I'll wrap this up because I know you have your court appearance coming up...
RM: Child support my ass. She aint' getting shit.
TMS: ...so let me ask you this. What is your legacy?
RM: I'm just a good guy looking to have fun, make some money at the track, get laid, mix it up, get in and get out while the goin' is good and ride off into the sunset.
TMS: I don't think you understood the question.
RM: No. No I didn't. So I just made some shit up that sounded cool in my head.
TMS: You want to get the bill?
RM: Screw that, lets dine and dash.

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