Chaiming In

November 02, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

"It tastes so good when it hits your lips..."
  • The World Series. Could that have been more anticlimactic? I imagine watching that had to be comparable to having a really sucky kid that plays in Little League and you have to go to all of his games, but he never plays. And you, as a neglectful father, can barely remember your son's name, much less the rules and regulations of baseball. So you sit there, your eyes glazed over, your breath reeking of whiskey sours, waiting for either the game or your life to end. It's a coinflip as to which will occur first. I say 'imagine' as I don't have any children of my own. Technically I've had three kids, but sacrificed them all to various gods or lost them at the mall. Wow, I may have just offended myself. In short, the World Series sucked.
  • Let's not crown the Bulls NBA champs yet, dear prognosticators. After embarrassing the Cocaine Cowboys on Opening Night, they looked as ugly as the Comcast Sports Net studio Wednesday night, getting shellacked by the Orlando Magic. I think Dennis Scott hit like 5 treys or something.
  • A good month for diehard KISS fans out there, all 13 of us. We have the first solo album from the Starchild in 28 years! It's predictable fare, full of inspirational hoo haa slathered with a thick layer of processed cheese, sandwiched between unironic lyrics about 'living to win' and love gone bad, all with a glossy finish. That said, I love it. Not reinventing the wheel by any means (I'd love to see Rick Rubin and Butch Walker get ahold of him), but the sugary, cavity causing hooks and soaring choruses are enough to give me a brief sugar high and forget the car crash known as Gene Simmons 'Asshole'. Then we've got the season finale of 'Family Jewels'. Did Gene knock up Shannon again? Is Gene getting a facelift? (Can the doctors operate on his ego while they're at it?) While this show is by no means 'must see tv', it is oddly intriguing. More than anything, I sit there wondering, 'how did his kids get to be so perfect?' If all kids were that grounded, I would reconsider my stance on mandatory boarding school and pushups for all children between ages 10-18. But the biggest early Christmas present comes in the form of KISSOLOGY Volume I: 1974-1977, containing 4 full concerts from their early years (when Peter Criss didn't have prosthetic arms) as well as a bunch of early TV footage never seen before. I haven't been this excited to pad Gene Simmon's wallet since the KISS coffin!
  • Here at the Saloon, we try to keep politics separate, though I will say you should vote in the upcoming elections. Far be it from me to tell you how you should vote, but let's just say the four writers at the Saloon could write a doozy of a War Criminal column about our current President.
  • I will though tell you how to spend your moviegoing dollars. Go see Borat, The Prestige, The Departed, and yes, even The Dixie Chicks movie, Shut Up and Sing (this coming from a person who cannot legitimately name one of their songs and considers country music to be the root of all evil). Avoid Man of the Year and Running With Scissors at all costs. Judging from the crowd at The Prestige, backed up by the facts garnered at a earlier screening of The Illusionist, I can safely conclude this: Old people love magic. Fucking love that shit. Give them a good old fashioned rabbit out of a hat over fancy CGI anyday. Pull a quarter from behind their ears and watch them squeal.
  • Da Bears! Yes they are good. Better than good. Perhaps we are witnessing greatness. But can we stop with the 85' Bears comparisons? Jesus already. I suppose it is inevitable, but it seems like anytime the Bears look like they might make the playoffs, people start dusting off old Super Bowl Shuffle footage. Please make it stop. The next time the Cubs are good, I would like to see everyone start making comparisons to the classic 1908 squad.
  • You know what I need to do? Shoot baskets. It's been a good year or more since I shot the ole' b-ball into the peach basket. Let me tell you this. It ain't pretty. Which is honestly surprising, because, full disclosure, I'm a helluva athlete.
  • Dusty Baker is interviewing with the Padres. As Brian Fellows would say, "That's CRAZY!"
  • Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Japanese ace pitcher, is on the open market. He throws a mysterious "gyroball". I fucking love gyros! The Cubs need to sign this guy. Seriously. Steve Stone: "You've got him down 0-2 here, you gotta be looking gyroball all the way."
  • Rants: Fast Food, aging
  • Raves: Fall, Thunder Matt's Saloon