Tuesdays With Chaim

November 14, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Simply put, I have quite a few arch-rivals. But only one real nemesis. Only one person who I would like to throw under the bus. And I mean that literally, not figuratively. That's right. Peyton Williams Manning. You know who you are, you chinless fuck.

Is he good? No. I will not concede even that blatantly obvious and easily proven fact. That is how much this man makes my blood boil. The mere mention of his name makes me break out in hives and start throwing up and shaking uncontrollably. These symptoms are also common in non-functioning alcoholics, but that's neither here nor there. Why do I hate him, you ask? That's like asking 'Why is the sky blue' or 'Is daddy ever coming home?'. You just don't ask. Accept some things as the way life is and move on.

So in (dis) honor of this future War Criminal, I will now take upon the unpleasant task of dissecting the the 'Peyton Manning commercials'. Having been dubbed the most family friendly of the NFL superstars, every Sunday our earlobes and eyeballs are set afire with these 30 second slices of hell. What are they selling? Who knows? I'm too busy trying to save the children, who upon viewing these commercials, are apt to throw themselves down a flight of stairs or stick their baby hands in a running blender. Fuck you Peyton. I even hate that old show 'Peyton Place.' Still waters run deep. Wait, I think I got that wrong. What? I apologize. I'm drunk on hate.

The Mastercard Priceless Commercials: Oh, it's so funny when he asks the guy at the store to sign his melon! LOL! Chop that meat, chop that meat! Oh, Peyton, stop! These are probably the least offensive entries into the Peyton portfolio. In fact, full disclosure, I think I even chuckled the first time I saw this. Now of course, I've seen it upwards of 3,216,896 times and it sends me into cardiac arrest. I punch myself in the nuts in tune to the two syllable 'D-Caf, D-Caf' chant. When I saw this commercial I actually cancelled my Mastercard and switched to Visa. Bottle of cheap vodka to help make it through this commercial. $6.99. The cost of therapy after viewing? $2000. Seeing Peyton lose in the playoff and throw his whole team under the bus like a fat, chinless baby? Priceless.

The Big Head Gatorade commercial: What can you really say about this one, except for the fact that Gatorade should immediately fire their ad agency? The only good thing is that Peyton isn't the only asshole in this commercial. And Derek Jeter hits a home run off of him. You suck Archie's boy! Stick to football jackass. If he ever started playing baseball, I might reluctantly have to start watching hockey. On a side note, who is the blond girl in the commercial and can I have sex with her? Well, no I can't and that remark was clearly sexist. Anyway, I liked this commercial better when it was called Muppet Babies.

Peyton Manning Gatorade Cocoon: Wow, this one is high on the list of all-time unintentional humor. You've got this shot of a football on a rainy field and all of the sudden it starts ripping apart. Out comes this great big ball of slime, a la the transformation a Mogwai undergoes right before turning into a Gremlin. The cocoon rips apart, the rain falls harder and out pops...Peyton Manning dressed in spandex! Perfect! Ok, Ray Lewis, I'd buy that. In fact I might poop my pants with fear. Brian Urlacher, sure. That works. But Peyton Manning? I mean that is about as intimidating as Arizona Cardinal punter Scott Player popping out. And then, to top it off, Peyton stands in the rain and does the Scott Stapp Jesus pose. Thanks Peyton. Now I hate football and religion.

Peyton Manning Sprint Commercial: This is the cream of the crop. This is the one that could make even the most white trash Colt fan stick his acne covered face in a deep fat fryer. We've got Peyton Manning, who clearing at this point in his commercial career, has handlers that are telling him, 'Oh Peyton, you are funny. Really you are. You should guest star on 'Two and a Half Men.' Upon learning that no, he can't really grow any facial hair of his own, they slap a fake mustache on him (comedy gold!) and have him tout some phone and talk himself up. Thankfully I don't have a Sprint phone, so I was saved the hassle of having to change plans and buy a new phone. In fact, I actually bought stock in Verizon just to spite that chinless freakshow. And why does he have a gut in that commercial? Is that real? If so, for shame! Letting yourself go like that. This commercial also answers the question, 'Could Peyton Manning possibly get any uglier?'

Well, I think that covers most of the ones I haven't mentally blocked out, at least for now. I'm sure we will be subjected to at least one new one right around, oh, the Super Bowl. Maybe it will break up the 13 consecutive Bud Light commercials. The setup I'm hoping for is Peyton with an S&M ball gag, a hungry wolverine and Ted Haggard. Priceless.