Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

March 07, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

This week: First Base

Ah, first base. Also known as the farthest I've gotten sexually with my third wife in the past two years. First base. Where they stick you when you can't play anywhere else. Basically a position for retards and cripples. So there you go. Forgive my uncharacteristic vulgarity. It's 8am and I'm not drunk yet, so naturally, I'm cranky. Let's run down this hastily composed list that I pulled off of I choose to include the always vague DH/1B in here too, because I'm lazy.
(Clearing throat, turns into hacking cough)

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Ryan Howard, Phillies: This large black man from Philly replaces Will Smith as the city's Prodigal Son.

David Ortiz, Red Sox: They call him Papi. I have no idea what that means. Remember when he was a underachieving Twin? Does he even qualify at first anymore? I don't think he even knows how to field a ground ball.

Justin Morneau, Minnesota Twins: Hey, it's the AL MVP that most people won't remember won MVP just two short years from now! Hell, I've already forgotten. He's no Kent Hrbek, that's for sure.

Travis Hafner, Indians: Another DH masquerading as a first baseman. Hafner, you son of a bitch.

Albert Pujols, Cardinals: This surly bastard can hit. Some people less clever than I would call him Poopholes. I won't stoop to that level, nor will I correct the pronunciation of those who choose to do so.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Paul Konkero, White Sox: A working man's hero, so nondescript he could easily assume the role of shift manager at the Golden Arches.

Derrek Lee, Cubs: Lately he's been like me after a Tuesday night bender. Out of commission and on the shitter for hours. When healthy, it can be said that he is tall and an above average hitter. The fact that he steals bases makes me tap my giant red shoes with unadulterated joy.

Lance Berkman, Astros: He loves hunting and from what I've heard he also secretly loves men. I would go there wouldn't I? The one player who could probably pull off wearing those camouflage color unis worn by the Padres for a spell, even though he isn't a Padre. If that made any sense.

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Adam LaRoche, Pirates: For years in Atlanta he split time with Julio Franco, thinking to himself "Christ, is this guy EVER gonna die retire?" Now in baseball purgatory, expect some solid under-the-radar stats.

Adrian Gonzalez, Padres: Too bad his home field is the Grand Canyon. Think Ryan Klesko, but back when he was worth taking a shot on.

Ryan Shealy, Royals: Apologies to Pittsburgh for referring to them as purgatory. Hello Kansas City. The kid can rake. Mike Sweeney, just retire. Christ already.

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Prince Fielder, Brewers: Can he escape his father's shadow? Not necessarily because his dad was that great, but because Cecil was extremely fat and literally casts a huge shadow.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Sean Casey, Tigers: Unless your league has 'clubhouse presence' as a category, why are you drafting this guy?

Richie Sexson, Mariners: That's fine. You can have his 30 odd homeruns. I'll pass on his low average and painfully long slumps. And he's just too fucking tall. That's just annoying. Almost as annoying as being over 30 and still calling yourself "Richie".

Frank Thomas, Blue Jays: It's painfully obvious that he just goes up to the plate now and tries to hit a homer every time so that he doesn't actually have to "run" the bases. I give it until mid-May before him and manager John Gibbons get in a fist fight.

Nomar Garciapara, Dodgers: He can still hit when healthy, but do you really want him on your team when he crumples to the field one month in, and your backup plan is Chris Shelton?

Shit, and your doctor told you fish was good for you. McDonald's owns the exclusive rights to putting American Cheese on fish.