Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

March 20, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Today: Shortstop AND Third Base

Let's be honest with each other. I have a drinking problem. And I'm certainly not young anymore. I've spent the better part of the last 3 days recovering from St. Patty's Day (one too many Shamrock Shakes for this guy!) and Florida A&M's loss in the play-in game. Any excuse to drink is what my father always said. Then he would beat me mercilessly.

Point being, I've really slacked on this whole fantasy rating stuff. The season is creeping up faster than the goots after a 2AM quarter-pounder binge. So I'm going to need to start combining positions. First up, the hot corner and for lack of a cool nickname, shortstop. I figure, hell, if Troy Glaus can play both positions, it only makes sense to combine their ratings. If that didn't make sense to you, then you must be sober.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Jose Reyes, Mets, SS: Remember when this guy would strain his hammies every time he ran faster than a light jog? Well, worry no more. He has now been implanted with some sort of futuristic, unbreakable synthetic hamstring that can withstand any amount of stress, including torture. Draft without reservation.

Alex Rodriguez, Yankees, 3B: So overrated that he's actually underrated. Huh? Pass me an Altoid.

Miguel Tejada, Orioles, SS: As long as he keeps using undetectable steroids, he has a place on my fantasy squad.

David Wright, Mets, 3B: Caucasian. All-American good looks. Will mow your yard for a reasonable rate. Delivers your newspaper right where you ask for it on your porch. Hits for power. What's not to like?

Jimmy Rollins, Phillies, SS: This would be the guy in the clubhouse that would gamely try to teach me black slang and then laugh at me for f'ing up the cool clubhouse handshake. Shit Jimmy!

Aramis Ramirez, Cubs, 3B: Keeping the Kevin Mitchell razorblade Oakleys in style is no easy task. Look for Aramis to be productive and healthy so long as the Cubs are still in the pennant race.

Garret Atkins, Rockies, 3B: I know nothing about this guy except that he replaced the well respected Vincent Castilla in Colorado. Will he ever escape the shadow of the Wet Fart? Hard to tell, but my money is squarely on 'no'.

Derek Jeter, Yankees, SS: Draft him for his fantasy leadership and fantasy intangibles.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Michael Young, Rangers, SS: Like the Hilary Swank of baseball: He ain't pretty but he's damn good at his craft. He also had a fling with Chad Lowe. Wait, that may have been me, and by fling I mean stalked mercilessly.

Chone Figgins, Angels, 3B: Chone Figgins is fast and versatile, or so Buster Olney tells me.

Rafael Furcal, Dodgers, SS
: This sprightly firecracker is my pick to be the next player to face offseason murder charges back in his Dominican homeland.

Chipper Jones, Braves, 3B
: Rumors of his bad health make him the Fidel Castro of his position. But like Fidel, he puts up big numbers when healthy.

Bill Hall, Brewers, SS
: This guy plays everywhere. Imagine if Jose Oquendo were good and you've got Bill Hall.

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Rolen, Cardinals, 3B:
Once considered an elite 3B, the undervalued Julia Stiles doppelganger looks to bounce back big.

Freddy Sanchez, Pirates, 3B/SS/2B
Position eligibility my friends. Play him anywhere and watch him hit. He's Chone Figgins minus the steals but with a higher average and more facial birth marks.

Jhonny Peralta, Indians, SS: You may be able to pick him up late since everyone else will likely be searching for 'Johnny Peralta'.

Mark Teahen/Alex Gordon, Royals, 3B
: They can both hit, but who will play? And if a star rises, and it happens in Kansas City, did it really rise?

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Miguel Cabrera, Marlins, 3B: Falls into this category because I forgot to put him in with the first guys. None-the-less, he's certainly more trendy than Shea Hillenbrand, no?

Hanley Ramierez, Marlins, SS: All these Marlins on the list, one would think they are good. A potentially great player who strikes out more than me at various teen nightclubs.

Stephen Drew, Diamondbacks, SS
: We can only hope that Stephen lives up to all of his talent and potential like his older brother did. Oh wait.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Edgar Renteria, Braves, SS
: Maybe it is because they played together, but this guy is essentially the hitters version of Livan Hernandez. Guys you think are old cause they've been around since God created the McRib, but they're just not. And guys that you think are good too, but they're just not.

Orlando Cabera, Angels, SS
: His legacy will be that dirty helmet.

Eric Chavez, A's, 3B
: Dan Johnson, Eric Chavez, Nick Swisher...who cares? A goatee and laid back likable attitude do not make you any more draftable. Kissable maybe.

Adrian Beltre, Mariners, 3B
: Keep hoping chumps. Keep hoping.

Bobby Crosby, A's, SS
: Peter Gammons told me he was going to win MVP last year and I drafted him early. Remember when Peter Gammons was hospitalized later in the year? Shhhh.......
Barry Bonds celebrates his record-breaking home run.