Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

March 27, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Today: Outfield

I mean, Christ in a Prius, let's get this show on the road. I'm holed in a Motel 6, I've been drinking since noon (5 O'clock somewhere baby!) and there's a call girl named Wendy on her way over. Without further ado, I give you the guys that catch the flyballs and widely consider themselves 'too good' for the infield.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Last year he didn't even want to play in the outfield. Flat out refused. Don't get your feelings hurt outfield...that was more a reflection on the Nationals than it was you.

Carl Crawford, Devil Rays: A poor man's Carlos Beltran. When will the power come Carl? When will the power come? No seriously Carl. The power. Where is it? I'm not fucking around here.

Carlos Beltran, Mets: A rich man's Carl Crawford.

Jason Bay, Pirates: Is this guy white or black? And yes, that matters where I draft him. Where is Pittsburgh? Somebody get me a GD map. I feel uncomfortable drafting this guy. I honestly don't know him from Honus Wagner.

Vlad Guerrero, Angels: I've never heard of this guy, but my nephew tells me he's good.

Grady Sizemore, Indians: Ladies love him. I love you too Grady. I'm a thrice divorced bachelor who likes to party. (whispers) Call me.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Manny Ramirez, Red Sox: I haven't smoked pot since my last stint in Sing Sing, but this is a guy I would really like to get high with.

Matt Holiday, Rockies: See Garrett Atkins. File under 'Guys I know nothing about but will draft because they're Rockies and their stats look good on paper.'

Ichiro, Mariners: He is to Asian baseball what Ricky Martin is to the Latino music explosion.

Vernon Wells, Blue Jays: Look for him to be deported back to America within the month.

Hideki Matsui, Yankees: The second best Hideki ever! (Irabu was just misunderstood.)

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Matt Murton, Cubs: THUNDER MATT! THUNDER MATT! Sing it with me now fuckers!

Rocco Baldelli, Devil Rays: That sound you hear is Rocco Baldelli collapsing in pain and your draft going to shit.

Josh Hamilton, Reds: What I said about Manny? Same thing goes with Josh, but replace pot with heroin and a late night motorcycle ride.

Chris Duffy, Pirates: You fast for a white boy, but you sho' are crazy!

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Delmon Young, Devil Rays: He will throw a bat at you! I am SERIOUS. He WILL throw a motherfucking bat at you! So just shut up and turn around. You can draft him, sure. Just don't fuck with him.

Alex Rios, Blue Jays: What can you say about this guy that hasn't been said already? Well, probably quite a bit, but I'll choose not to go there.

Johnny Damon, Yankees: Johnny, you are SOOO New York. Love ya babe.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

JD Drew, Red Sox: As I write this, he was just diagnosed with AIDS. And back spasms. And a really bad tummy ache.

Corey Patterson, Orioles: Your surliness recalls Albert Belle. Your productivity recalls Gary Varsho.

Bobby Abreu, Yankees: Like the Stones. Sure he's good, but c'mon. He's not THAT good.

Ken Griffey, Reds: Ouch. I've made enough injury jokes already. See my writeup on JD Drew if you want some more of that comedy gold.

Brian Giles, Padres: Hasn't been good since Nam' but people draft him anyway. Nice tan Brian!