Realm of Red Presents: Fantasy Baseball Advice from Ronald McDonald

March 09, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Today: Second Base

Don't have a good enough arm to play third base? We'll stick you at second. Not enough range for shortstop? That's fine, we'll stick you at second. Too short? Nah, there's always second base. Second base has always been a spot for convicts, poseurs, queers and Joe Morgan. On the company softball team guess who played second base for us? That's right, the Hamburglar, that little fucker. Not a fan of that guy. I have it on good authority that he may be responsible for putting me in prison for a few months so he could make the moves on my second wife. Who steals hamburgers anyway? They're only a couple of bucks. Jesus. That guy.

Anyway, on with the list. Why am I giving this info away for free anyway? I should be writing for the Worldwide Leader in Sports. I'm Ronald McDonald. Ever heard of me? American Icon? Whatever. Instead I dispense my pearls of wisdom on a blog read by a half dozen people and dedicated to a man I know nothing about other than that we share the same hair color. The downward spiral known as my life continues.

Double Filet-O-Fish, a Large Fry and a Diet Coke (Spectacular, especially during Lent)

Chase Utley, Phillies: What's not to like? Man-whorish good looks, a porn star name and stats that arouse me more so than the time I walked in on Grimace taking a shower. True story. I'm at a smoky dive bar in Philly, drunk off my ass. We've got the Phillies game on one TV and the movie *batteries not included on the other. This rookie comes to bat and lines a frozen rope to left field. I say aloud to no one, "That kid is gonna be good, or my name ain't (voice going up two octaves, very femme)Ronnie Mc-fucking-Donny!" Next thing I know I wake up in bed, half naked laying between a couple of Philadelphia Soul cheerleaders and Tommy Buzanis. Christ, what a night. Anyway, that rookie? Chase Utley my friends, Chase Utley.

Double Cheeseburger Meal with a Sprite (Reliable)

Brian Roberts, Orioles: Boring. Hit a few homers a couple of years ago and fantasy owners started shitting their pants. Snore. He'll give you few steals and hit for average, but he plays for the Orioles. That automatically cancels out any legitimacy he may have earned.

Ian Kinsler, Rangers
: What a weak position this is that I'm typing this guy's name right now. Ian Kinsler is how I wish my son turned out. In fact, I've often said to my son, "Why can't you be more like Ian Kinsler?" Instead, he's 22 years old and still flipping burgers. Oh, sweet irony.

Robinson Cano, Yankees: Like a greasy double cheeseburger followed up by a post meal smoke, Robinson delivers.

Iguchi, White Sox
: Asians seem to like McDonalds, so they're not all bad in my book. Tadahito, I may not know how to pronounce your name or tell you apart from Kaz Matsui, but you're alright by me.

Snack Wrap with Ranch (Sleeper)

Richie Weeks, Brewers
: Not so much a sleeper as much as I'd just like to sleep with him. There I go.

Josh Barfield, Indians
: Don't worry Cleveland. I know you toss and turn at nights, wondering who will ever replace Ronnie Belliard not only in the lineup, but in your hearts. Cleveland, meet Josh Barfield.

Chris Burke, Astros: Hey Craig Biggio. Take a cue from your buddy Bagwell. Don't you have some hunting to do, or a log cabin to build?

Asian Chicken Salad with a Bottled Water (Trendy)

Howie Kendrick
: Trendy like Fall Out Boy. Endearing and annoying at the same time. That's right. Ronald McDonald listens to Fall Out Boy.

Big Mac (Overrated. Will make you go #2 alot)

Dan Uggla, Marlins: Ugggggghhhhh...

Marcus Giles, Padres: Maybe since he's "reunited" with his brother (what, were they orphans?) in San Diego, Marcus will find that old spark and revert to his old hitting ways. (Vomits a little) It's like I'm watching the decline of Bret Boone all over again.

Joe Morgan, Reds: Sure, he retired ages ago, but I think we can all agree that he's a fucker and needs to be included here. Rescind his Hall of Fame plaque! Erroneous! Erroneous!

*Note: For the sake of relative brevity, I have left many players off this list and will continue to do so for future positions. To quote my good friend Tommy Buzanis, "I don't have time for this shit."
Put on some clothes and step away from my children.