War Criminal: Yellow and Lance Armstrong

November 27, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Brant Brown

This War Criminal covers a couple items. The genesis lies in the yellow "Live Strong" bracelets that have long outworn their welcome. If your mother or little brother wears one, or a genuine cancer survivor sports the accessory, I am fine with that. What I am not fine with are the douchebag frat guys that continue to wear these things as some sort of status symbol. It's as if they're telling me that because I'm not wearing one, I am clearly living an inferior life and am in cancer's corner. Nothing could be further from the truth. What have you done to deserve the privilege of wearing that bracelet Mr. Delta Upsilon? You paid two dollars at the checkout counter of a 7/11? How noble of you, you jackass. These guys should be herded up with all of the people that put a yellow "Support Our Troops" ribbon on their vehicle. Yes, we know you support our troops. No matter how misguided and costly this war is, who doesn't support the troops? OK, maybe John Walker Lindh, but seriously. These blanket gestures mean nothing.

As far as the yellow bracelets go, yes, they were brought to us by God's greatest gift to mankind, Lance Armstrong. Lance, screw you. Seriously, I don't even know where to start with you. Fine, you survived what is possibly the easiest cancer to beat. Really, I do admire anyone that takes on cancer. But you've done your Tours, you've done your motivational speaking, you brought even more awareness to a terrible disease. But listen up, because we need you to do a couple more favors for us.

First, please stop trying to run in marathons. Take a page out of Michael Jordan's book. You peaked at one sport, let it be. Quit trying to show everyone else up. Second, for the love of Christ, stop these shenanigans with the Olsen twin (I'm not sure which one it is, nor do I care to research it). But Jesus man, you have children. Just don't. What do you do, sit at home watching Full House reruns and think, "Yeah, I'd hit that". Well, it's a good thing you only have one testicle. The semen power of two balls would surely break that frail girl's uterus.

Please Lance, for all of us, lower your profile, settle down with a nice supermodel and/or actress, move into a gated community, and be quiet.

So what have we learned in these precious few moments? People are always trying to look better than you and anxiously await any opportunity to rub their superior qualities, whether warranted or not, right in your face. Don't sit there and take it. Tell them to fuck off and live a happy life. Just don't forget to "live it strong, brah".