Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 9

Christ, I'm tired and I haven't had enough coffee yet. Piss on Mel. He's on his own. Let's get down to business.

Tampa Bay 17
Arizona 10
The Bucs D wasn't afraid of Kurt Warner and his bionic left arm. To say the Cardinals offense was stifled is probably being too nice. Edge managed to score a TD despite only having 15 yards total on 9 carries. Looking at the box score I noticed Tampa's kick returner was M. Spurlock. I can only assume that it's documentarian Morgan Spurlock. Perhaps his next film is on closet case QB's in the NFL.

Tennessee 20
Carolina 7
Honestly I can't understand why some hate 'Football Night in America' so much. Olbermann doing highlights is 100 times better than listening to Terry Bradshaw stutter and slur through them. Anyway I bring this up because Keith had some classic lines on Vince Young last night, mainly cracking on the fact that he never throws the ball. Nonetheless Tennessee keeps winning. Also I realized that whenever I feel bad about the Bears current QB situation I only need to think of David Carr running around in the pocket like a chicken with his head cut off for Carolina. No wonder they brought in Rasputin Testaverde. And those white gloves. Jesus, did he steal them from a mime? It's embarrassing enough for Panther fans to have that guy behind center, but then he puts on his best Marcel Marceau impersonation before getting creamed by a DE.

Washington 23
New York Jets 20
What can you say about this game? Clinton Portis ran all over the place but the Redskins still could only muster up a single TD. Kellen Clemens did a good job of not sucking, so I would suspect he's secured his job as starting QB for at least another week.

New Orleans 41
Jacksonville 24

OK, OK, I'll give New Orleans some credit finally. They handled Jacksonville with no problem. Brees threw for 445 yards and 3 TD's as the Saints offense has finally hit their stride this season. After dropping their first four games, they've now rattled off four straight wins, and with St. Louis, Houston and Carolina coming up, should give Tampa Bay a strong run for the NFC South crown.

Minnesota 35
San Diego 17
Adrian Peterson is a beast. His 296 rushing yards is a new single game record. Who needs competent QB's when you got this guy running for you? San Diego drops to 4-4, which would make me happier if only the rest of the AFC West didn't completely suck as well.

Detroit 44
Denver 7
Wow Denver. I'm gonna say this is your rock bottom moment right here. To get blown out 44-7 is bad, but to the Detroit Lions? Come on! I don't care if they are 6-2. I refuse to live in a world where the Lions are worth a damn. Let's see, some highlights..... Jay Cutler got hurt, Patrick Ramsey still has a job in the NFL somehow, Shaun Rogers is still winded after his 66 yard interception return, and Jon Kitna loves Jesus more than Kurt Warner, hence the Lions triumph and the Cardinals failure.

Chicago
BYE

Hey, maybe there wasn't anything to watch, but I have to give some praise to the Bears offense. That's the best they've played in weeks.

Buffalo 33
Cincinnati 21
Buffalo is 4-4? Who knew? Marshawn Lynch had his first 100 yard game of his NFL career, and Chad Johnson pulled out all the stops with his wackiest celebration to date. The best part was when they strapped the neck brace on him, and then when he was carted into the ambulance, brilliant!

Cleveland 33
Seattle 30

What kind of year 3000 bullshit is this? The Browns and Lions have winning records? Damn you all to hell! With the current state of the NFC and AFC West divisions, I'm preparing myself for a 7-9 team to win one of them.

Atlanta 20
San Francisco 16

Alex Smith outdueled Joey Harrington for the shittiest QB performance. Harrington's 1 interception was no match for Smith's 3, plus he threw in a lost fumble for good measure. I would pick the Niners to lose the rest of their games, but then I noticed they still have to play the Rams and Cardinals again.

Green Bay 33
Kansas City 22

The Packers win again, improving to 7-1. In other news, Larry Johnson sprained his ankle, opening the door for Priest Holmes to take over. It'll be interesting to see how he does next week against Denver.

Houston 24
Oakland 17

Being a football fan in the Bay Area is about as pleasant as having gonorrhea in your eyes. For God's sake Oakland, Ron freaking Dayne put up 122 yards on you!

New England 24
Indianapolis 20
Wow, what a great matchup. I had no idea these two teams were even playing each other. Why didn't anyone mention it this week? All sarcasm aside I'm happy the Patriots won this game. For one, it was awesome watching Peyton getting the crap pounded out of him by the Pats defense. It was like Animal Planet footage of a crocodile taking down a jaguar. You don't see it that often, but when you do it's pretty kickass. And secondly, if anyone is going to go undefeated and finally bury the '72 Dolphins it's going to be this New England team. We all know that Indy would've eventually blown it to the Ravens or some team that is equally worthless.

Dallas 38
Philadelphia 17
I hate to say it, but I think I legitimately enjoyed watching the Cowboys win. Maybe because I hate the Eagles so much. Oh Philly, if only your offense could play as well as Andy Reid's kids inhale narcotics.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Drew Brees, NE (445 yards, 3 TD)
RB - Adrian Peterson, MIN (30 carries, 296 yards, 3 TD)
WR - Lee Evans, BUF (9 catches, 165 yards, 1 TD)
WR - Terrell Owens, DAL (10 catches, 174 yards, 1 TD)
TE - Tony Gonzalez, KC (10 catches, 109 yards, 1 TD)
DEF - Detroit (7 points allowed, 5 sacks, 1 INT, 3 fumble recoveries, 2 TD)


The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Alex Smith, SF (17-38, 149 yards, 3 INT)
RB - Selvin Young, DEN (6 carries, 12 yards, terrible name)
WR - Morgan Spurlock, TB (super size this!)
WR - Chad Johnson's neck (not broken unfortunately)
TE - Tony Scheffler (1 fumble, that's all it takes to be a burning sack)
DEF - Philadelphia (38 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
I like Pittsburgh to win, and not just because I wish the plague upon Brian Billick and his band of asshole misfits.

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