Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 11

November 19, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

We popped a couple extra vitamins and had one of Mel's "power shakes" which I'm pretty sure is just Ovaltine, a banana, and some blueberry schnapps, so we're feeling good. Good enough in fact to bring you the Hangover a little early today.

Houston 23
New Orleans 10
Here's a brief look back at the Saints season thus far.

"Hey, what the? Man, these guys suck! Finally a win! Hey look at that, they really are good. They- wait, wait, they still suck."

Also Andre Johnson's triumphant return to the field had fantasy managers all over the world shouting "Praise Jebus!"

Green Bay 31
Carolina 17
You know, the sports media's fawning over Brett Favre is a little easier to stomach when the guy is actually playing well.

Not much else to say. Green Bay kicked the crap out of a team that actually started a quarterback older than Favre.

Northern Iowa 48
Southern Utah 10
The Panthers finish the season with another cupcake as they gear up for the playoffs. UNI earned the #1 seed in the field of 16 for the I-AA playoffs, meaning their first three games would be played at home. If they make the finals, I hope they get a rematch of their 2005 championship game against Appalachian State.

What's that? Yeah, they play in a college football playoff. I know, weird how that works huh?

Arizona 35
Cincinnati 27
Bionic Warner is keeping the Cards playoff hopes alive with another win. Arizona moves to 5-5 and remain just a game behind the Seahawks. In other news the Bengals are committing crimes yet again. This time it's theft, as they're stealing their fans money and not providing a decent product in return

Indianapolis 13
Kansas City 10
Don't let the score fool you, this game was even shittier. Is it in all announcers' contract that they're not allowed to say Manning looks like shit? Yes Wayne and Clark dropped a few balls, but how many times did Peyton rifle a ball that was way off target? Injuries or not, Indy shouldn't have looked that bad.

Jacksonville 24
San Diego 17
The Chargers had a chance to tie it in the final minutes but Philip Rivers had something to say about that as he threw his second pick of the day to seal their fate. At this rate we could be seeing the Jags and not the Colts at the top of the AFC South at some point.

Minnesota 29
Oakland 22
Chester Taylor ran 22 times for 164 yards, and yet Cedric Benson could only muster 2.6 yards per carry against the exact same defense last week. That's how much Benson sucks.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you Daunte Culpepper. The only QB that can throw for 300+ yards and still completely blow.

Philadelphia 17
Miami 7
With McNabb getting hurt, I thought for sure the '79 Buccaneers would be busting out the champagne as they remained the only winless team in NFL history. But alas, Miami is just that bad. No sign of Ricky Williams. Why is he still playing anyway? Does he still want to, or is he being forced to play, like Finch in "Wildcats"?

New York Giants 16
Detroit 10
The Giants continue to be successful despite starting that retarded kid at QB. Kitna was upset saying, "that is not a better football team than us." Oh I see. That was just pure luck that Strahan sacked your ass 3 times and you threw 3 interceptions. I'm the asshole, I'm the asshole here. You know what? Forget it, I would never- I would never eat here.

Cleveland 33
Baltimore 30
What the hell? What kind of crazy ass field goal was that? There must've been some divine intervention there, which would definitively prove that God hates the Baltimore Ravens as much as the rest of us. That or it's some of that good ol' Art Modell karma biting them in the ass. Either way, it tastes pretty sweet to me.

Tampa Bay 31
Atlanta 7
Atlanta started Byron Leftwich, who threw two picks and lost one fumble. They then yank him for Joey Harrington, who actually plays a little better. It's definitely dark days in Hotlanta my friends.

New York Jets 19
Pittsburgh 16
Yikes Pittsburgh. What the hell happened here?

Dallas 28
Washington 23
The return of Santana Moss certainly gave Jason Campbell and the Redskins an added spark. But it wasn't enough as the Cowboys were Romo-tastic! Wow lame. I feel Romo-sexual for saying that.

St. Louis 13
San Francisco 9
Woooo! The Rams win their second straight game to bring their win total to...........two! I'm calling it now, the Rams are going to run the table the rest of the way and finish 8-8 to win the NFC West. When everyone is in shock at the end of the season, just remember I called it first.

Seattle 30
Chicago 23
Grossman threw the ball pretty well. Unfortunately it was never successfully caught in the endzone. Also screw the Seahawks and their uniforms. What the hell is up with that neon puke green? They should've just stayed with the classic silver, blue and green. It was good enough for Dave Krieg wasn't it?

New England 56
Buffalo 10
Wow NBC. You had a chance to pick a game for Sunday Night and this is what you took? I don't care if Buffalo does have a 5-4 record, we all knew damn well the Pats were going to destroy them. Hell, tonight's MNF game looks more appealing to me. Also to all of you that said Randy Moss would be a distraction and a nuisance in New England, repeat after me, I - AM - A - MORON. It is looking quite possible that Randy will do as much in one season with the Pats that he did in two with Oakland.

Chip Wesley 1
Beowulf 0
I. AM. BEOWULF!!!!!!

Really? Well, I. AM. NOT. WATCHING. THIS. MOVIE!!!!!!

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Tom Brady, NE (373 yards, 5 TD)
RB - Chester Taylor, MIN (22 carries, 164 yards 3 TD)
WR - Terrell Owens, DAL (8 catches, 173 yards, 4 TD)
WR - Randy Moss, NE (10 catches, 128 yards, 4 TD)
TE - Donald Lee, GB (5 catches, 49 yards, 2 TD)
DEF - Tampa Bay (7 points allowed, 4 sacks, 2 INT, 2 fumble rec.)

The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Byron Leftwich, ATL (2 INT, 1 fumble lost)
RB - Rudi Johnson, CIN (8 carries, 25 yards
WR - Jerricho Cotchery, NYJ (1 catch, 5 yards)
WR - Drew Bennett, STL (1 catch, 9 yards, pissed in Bulger's cereal)
TE - Randy McMichael, STL (1 catch, 4 yards, helped Drew piss in Bulger's cereal)
DEF - Buffalo (50 points allowed)

Monday Night Pick
Denver. With no running game and Vince Young very capable of not breaking 100 passing yards, I cannot with a clear conscience take the Titans.