Monday Afternoon Hangover: Week 12

3:05 PM | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Alright stop bugging me assholes. Here's Week 12. Better late than never I always say. At least I got it in before tomorrow night's game.

Green Bay 37
Detroit 26
I was too busy downing copious amounts of turkey and stuffing to care about Thanksgiving games. Favre continues to cheat death and play like a 29 year old. Whether you hate him or not, you have to respect what he's done this season. Of course in today's cynical world of sports fandom, there's part of me that is almost expecting an HGH scandal to eventually sprout up.

Dallas 34
New York Jets 3
You know I'm sure when the 2007 schedule was being formed this looked like it would probably be a good game as did Indy and Atlanta. Little did we know that Packers-Lions would be the biggest contest of the holiday. Dallas destroyed the Jets. Come on New York, you're not gonna win any games with just 3 points*.

Indianapolis 31
Atlanta 13
In honor of this game being broadcasted on the NFL Network, I will only be showing my writeup to 10% of my readers.

Northern Iowa 38
New Hampshire 35
Pretty much no one saw this game. Unfortunately for them they missed out on one hell of a game. That performance was better than anything I've seen the Hawkeyes do in 3 years. New Hampshire's offense was rolling with QB Ricky Santos and appeared to have things wrapped up, leading 35-31 with a little over a minute left. UNI, with no timeouts mind you, was able to drive down the field and score on a 15 yard TD pass by Eric Sanders to Montari Leonard who made an amazing juggling catch in the end zone with 7 seconds left. Eric Sanders is my pick to take Kurt Warner's torch, once his bionic body inevitably gives out. Sanders should start working on the face stubble right now.

UNI now faces Delaware in the quarterfinal game. I know nothing about the Fightin' Blue Hens, except that Mel Kiper has their QB Joe Flacco ranked #5 overall at that position.

Oakland 20
Kansas City 17
Losing at home to the Raiders? I think that may be the Chiefs' official rock bottom of the season. Even worse was listening to the damn announcers blather on about the Chiefs loving this Brodie Croyle kid and how he's gonna be a big part of their future. Really? I'm sure the Chief fans love completions and touchdowns even more.

Minnesota 41
New York Giants 17
Wow, who needs Adrian Peterson? Mongoloid Manning threw more TD's for the Vikings than Tarvaris Jackson did. Nice work shithead.

Tampa Bay 19
Washington 13
Bruce Gradkowski picked up the slack for the injured Jeff Garcia who left the game with what has been described as a "lower back bruise". After the game Jeff responded with "Owww! My backside hasn't hurt this bad since I came back from that cruise this past summer."

Seattle 24
St. Louis 19
Holy shit, there are too many games to cover here. I miss the bye weeks. So much for St. Louis running the table for the remainder of the season. I guess I forgot for a brief moment that Marc Bulger's body is in fact made from balsa wood.

New Orleans 31
Carolina 6
The Saints win big over the absolutely putrid Panthers. Carolina has now lost 5 in a row. At least Marcel Marceau Carr and his white gloves are back for us to mock. In other news, I nominate Reggie Bush and his lack of productivity for the 2007 most overhyped player to greatly disappoint.

Cleveland 27
Houston 17
Numerous years of top draft picks appears to finally be paying off for the Browns. The combination of Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow have given Derek Anderson a potent receiving corps to work with. Did you know Jamal Lewis is only 28? For some reason I was thinking he was like 32. He also appears to be running his best since coming back from prison, as he's once again averaging over 4 yards per carry.

Cincinnati 35
Tennessee 6
I think the Titans have realized just how horrible they really are. Meanwhile the Bengals put on a performance many thought they'd be capable of all season. Chad Johnson did some lame TD celebration with the television camera. I still think the "carried out on the backboard" was the best celebration to date.

Jacksonville 36
Buffalo 14
Jacksonville continues to roll with David Garrard at QB. Garrard has still not thrown a pick this season, helping to maintain a solid 103.1 QB rating. Buffalo is one of those AFC teams that is currently on the playoff bubble along with Tennesse and Denver. Honestly all three of those teams have been pretty lousy lately. With 5 weeks to play it may be a little hasty but I'm ready to ink in New England, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indy, Jacksonville, and San Diego for the playoffs.

San Francisco 37
Arizona 31
I'd ask the Governor and Chaim for their thoughts on this game but they're too busy putting the finishing touches on a Neil Rackers voodoo doll. Meanwhile Kurt Warner puts up Xbox-type numbers with a ridiculous 484 passing yards. If it weren't for Walt Harris' 2 picks I would've thought the Niners were using some radical new 6-5 defense.

Chicago 37
Denver 34
Devin Hester is bigger than Jesus.

San Diego 32
Baltimore 14
Well the Ravens are now only 3 more losses away from fulfilling the Governor's 10 loss prophecy. The Chargers manage to win again, despite the crippling effects of Norv Turner's coaching.

New England 31
A.J. Feeley 28
I watched Asante Samuel return an interception for a TD on the Eagles first drive and immediately turned the channel. "More of the same," I thought. I turned back later and was actually shocked by the score. What the hell New England? Why aren't you running up the score? And how does A.J. Feeley essentially put up the best game against the Pats so far this year? This game left me with more questions than answers.

*Pittsburgh 3
Miami 0
My apologies to the Jets. 3 points won't win you any games, unless you're playing the Dolphins. I didn't bother to tune in, but for fantasy managers who were depending on this game to give them points I'm sure it was agonizing.

NOTE: I'm officially tired of writing and don't feel like looking up the stats to determine the Nutcups and the Flamers. So instead I'll list my favorite and least favorite players on Tecmo Super Bowl.

The Golden Nutcup Team
Wear it with pride fellas!

QB - Warren Moon, HOU
RB - Christian Okoye, KC
WR - Sterling Sharpe, GB
WR - Art Monk, WAS
TE - Marv Cook, NE (I once played a season using him as my RB. Much better than John Stephens)
DEF - Pittsburgh


The Flaming Bag Team
Don't put them out with your boot, Harold!

QB - Steve Grogan, NE
RB - Keith Woodside, GB
WR - Ricky Proehl, PHX (Good God, were you slow!)
WR - Perry Kemp, GB
TE - Ron Heller, SEA
DEF - Detroit (Unless you were doing the noseguard tackle trick with Jerry Ball, these guys were worthless.)

Thursday Night Pick
Loser = Cable customers. The NFL Network needs to die as soon as possible. Someone explain to me why this channel is even necessary? Man I can't wait to watch this game in the form of highlights on ESPN.

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