OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

August 15, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

With the Brewers recently on an 8 game winning streak, desperate times are upon us. We need to do something to slow these Brewers down to have a chance to blow open our lead on the NL Central. Desperate measures are called for. Fresh off a plane from Beijing is TMS corespondent OJ Simpson!

OJ pictured with China's top Women's Gymnast

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's crackulatin?

You'll have to forgive me if I'm a little more out of it than usual. And yes, that is Ten High you smell on me, but that's not the point. Your boy OJ's been doin' a lot of travelling over the last few days. You see, I had the idea to go to the Olympics and maybe walk on to one of the teams. After all, it wasn't too long ago that The Juice was a world class athlete too. Plus I've got about $350K ridin' on some of these events so I wanted to be around and make sure shit was up to snuff, naw mean?

So I get to the Olympics, and ain't no one there! First I thought it was all the E I took that morning, but naw...ain't no one showed up, but on TV I was seein' all kinds of flashing lights and fires on the Opening Ceremonies. Again, it would be easy to blame the Ecstasy, but OJ knew that somethin' wasn't right.

It turns out they moved the Olympics to China this year! Goddammit, why didn't no one tell me this shit? Here I was hangin' out at the LA Coliseum waitin' for the games to start, and they up and went to some other country? That shit ain't right.

So I caught me a plane and some horse tranquilizers and headed over to China. Me and the Chinese are all good buddies from back in the day when I used to send them autographs of myself when I was a big celebrity. Hu Jintao is a big Bills fan.

Somethin' must have happened on the flight because I woke up, I was in jail. Apparently, I knocked out one of the Americans in some important relay and took his place. But The Juice has always been a great swimmer, so we wound up winning the gold, son! If you look closely at the video, you'll see me.

After that, your ol' pal OJ was in a little trouble. I paid off a few of the guards with signed copies of my unreleased book "Guilty As Shit, But Let's Just Pretend I Didn't Do It" and got away. But the heat was on, and I got a call from the Saloon that they needed me back in the states to deal with the Brewers.

The Brewers? Awwww hell naw! I didn't think I'd have to be back with that group of douchebags until September! After I helped orchestrate a few timely losses to the Cubs at the end of July, I even caused a fight between Manny Parra and Tubby Fielder for good measure. You can't see it in the replays, but right as Parra was walking past Fielder in the dugout, I yelled "Manny, you right! Prince does have some big ol' titties!" Some of the players were gettin' kind of tired of this cocky JO Sampson kid around the clubhouse, so I needed a getaway plan. I held a team meeting and said that I was leaving the team because I had gotten "called up". By the time the first player said "Called up to where?" I had stolen Ned Yost's car! Legit!

So I gotta meet back up with the Brew Crew tonight and see if I can cause them to lose some more games. Being in LA, I know a lot of shady mothafucka's that can lend a hand too. I'm sure no one will question me showing up again in the Brewers clubhouse. They'll all just be like "Shit, that's just JO being JO..."

So keep an eye out for your ol' friend The Juice and I'll see if I can cause some trouble for the Brewers. Chip says that if the Brewers don't lose at least 2 out of 3, he's callin' my parole officer. And that's the low down dirty shame.