2008 Cubs Forecast: Gazing into Ronald's Crystal (Meth) Ball

March 05, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Each week, Ronald McDonald will bring you his fearless, if not slightly inebriated Cubs forecast, position by position. His attempts to stay on subject will most likely fail and this experiment will be probably be abandoned quicker than you can say 'mustache diary'. So here we go with a second installment of this wildly unpopular feature.

Player Name: Ryan Theriot
Position: Reverse Cowgirl
Nicknames: The Riot
Hidden Talent: Impersonating Chip Caray, both in the clubhouse and at home with Chip Caray's wife; firewalking.
2007 Stats: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB
2008 Forecast: .266 AVG, 3HR, 80 Runs, 28 SB

: Ryan Theriot is a sparkplug. He's the guy that everybody in the clubhouse goes up to and says, "Come here you little fucker", while they give him playful noogies. Ryan doesn't like that.

Growing up in Louisiana, Ryan's youth consisted of playing 'swampball' (which would in turn give him 'swampass') and eating dangerous amounts of jambalaya. He went to college with fellow teammate Mike Fontenot, and some announcers refer to them as the 'Cajun Connection'. Unfortunately, Mike Fontenot's career is on a downward spiral, so the 'Cajun Connection' may soon be a thing of the past, to be remembered alongside other famous duos, such as 'Horny Glen' (Bob Horner and Glen Hubbard) and 'Rape and Pillage' (Jose Mesa and Albert Belle).

Having always been nothing if not consistent, Ryan's 2008 numbers will be identical to last year's, across the board. While some may argue that he needs to take a step forward, I would counter that you should love Ryan Theriot just the way he is, and that he shouldn't change one thing. Which he won't. Plus, the statistical anomaly of having the exact same stats in every category will endear Ryan to Cubs fans forever.

In 2007, fans called for Coach Lou Pinella to 'Start the Riot'. In 2008, The Riot will get out of hand and armed police on horseback be called in. Things will turn ugly and you may be inadvertantly teargassed.