How To Waste A Lunch Break: Part 2

March 21, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

By next time this week, we'll be crotch deep in baseball. So I've only got a limited amount of time left to write about all the crazy non-baseball stuff that pops into my head.

(That's not true at all. But for the purpose of this piece, let's play make-believe. But not the kind of 'make-believe' games that your creepy uncle would try to play with you. That's just wrong, and I don't want that kind of relationship with you, the reader.)

Unfortunately, I can't really think of a whole lot to write about right now. My NCAA bracket is struggling to keep its head over water already. No celebrities have been locked up or arrested lately. Hell, the most interesting thing happening in the news right now is something about Obama's passport being breached or something like that. I read the article twice now and I still have no idea what that means.

So I'm going with a time-tested tradition on where to turn when all creativity has left you: Re-hashing ideas from the past that may or may not have been very successful! If you missed the first time I wasted a lunch break, you can read about it here. What I thought was just a throwaway post turned into the scandal known around the Saloon as "BillyGate". Sure, the scandal brought a bit of negative attention to the Saloon, but it did draw a lot of traffic from the Billy Boyd Board, pushing our traffic for that week from 5 readers to an astonishing and record-breaking 9! And remember, it's ok to be obsessed!

And of course, that whole fiasco let to the staple catchphrase that the Saloon has adopted ever since, "What About Beecake?" T-shirts will be available soon.

So here I am, ready to take you through yet another lunch break of mine, stream of consciousness style.

1:10 - As I do whenever I have some free time, I head over to MLB Trade Rumors. It's a fantastic site and always has the most up-to-date trade info. I check it a few times a day to see if there's any more rumors surrounding our beloved Thunder Matt. Today is a slow news day, as "Marlins Waive Jose Castillo" is the latest news. The good news is that the latest Thunder Matt update says the Cubs offered him to Texas straight up for Marlon Byrd. The Rangers have said "no". The Rangers are complete idiots. I will now pick them to finish last every year in our rankings. Wait...that's not much different than most people's opinion of them.

1:14 - As screwed up as my bracket is, I can't help but look at the scores of the games going on. Hmmm...apparently the St. Mary's basketball team was replaced at halftime with a squad of midgets. How else do you explain being up by 5 at halftime and then letting Miami walk all over you with a 25-6 run out of halftime? In the words of Charles Barkley, "That's turruble..."

1:20 - Speaking of Charles Barkley, I really think the commercials he does with Dwayne Wade are classic. They obviously have great chemistry, and you gotta love Sir Charles' ability to laugh at himself. Here's one of the better ones.

1:23 - I head on over to the T-Mobile website to see if they have any of the commercials on there. NOTHING! They don't even have 1 picture of Wade or Chuck on their website. This is turruble! Why waste money on commercials with big name athletes and then not have a single mention or picture of them on your website? I'm assuming the people that run T-Mobile are the same people that run the Texas Rangers.

1:27 - Alrighty then, let's check Yahoo's main page and see what's new in the world. Hmmm...there's an interesting story here about a man that is supposedly selling his life on eBay. After a divorce, this Australian guy is selling his house, furniture, job and friends. I wish I could tell you more about it, but there's no actual story to read, just a video to watch. Is this how far society has fallen? Yahoo always takes their most interesting headlines and makes them video clips instead of actual stories I can read. I assume this is because most people nowdays hate reading and need their news with shiny colors and pretty pictures. Well guess what, Yahoo? I hate your stupid videos! If I want to watch one, I have to take out my earphones, plug them into my computer, click the story, wait for it to load, sit through a commercial or two, and them watch the damn thing. Can't I just read it instead? Can you post the video and an actual story with words too? I guess that's too much to ask for. So instead of something interesting, the only news story that I can actually "read" is "Low Cost Ways To Save Water At Home".

Forget it. Yahoo, you've lost my interest.

1:30 - Speaking of reading and books and all that nerdy stuff, I head on over to Amazon to see if I can find anything cool. Hmmm...there's something here on the front page that is apologizing for Amazon not being able to keep the "Kindle" in stock. Of course, the Kindle is Amazon's tablet book reading thingy (that's the technical term) that can do all kinds of downloading books and web browsing and other such nonsense that kinds love these days. Here's what I want to know: you call this book reader the Kindle, right? Kindle makes me think of fire. So really, all I'm going to think of when I hear about this product is burning books. Awesome, Amazon...way to make yourselves look like Nazis. So for the record, the same group of people run the Texas Rangers, Yahoo's front page, T-Mobile's advertising and the Kindle, and they may or may not be Nazis.

1:38 - Looking at Amazon has got me thinking about cruising over to eBay. What do I search for? "Nazi" of course! 2322 items available! The item ending soonest is a rare, original Nazi coin. Sure, it's a part of history and everything, but I want to see something cool. BAM! Here we go! Nazi stamps! How cool would it be to send out letters to people with Nazi stamps on them?

1:43 - Other people are talking about their lunch plans around my cubicle. One guy is having trouble finding somewhere to eat because he can't eat meat today. I ask if there's a Long John Silver's around here anywhere. Time to find out. A quick search on their website shows a LJS about 10 miles from work. And the double bonus is that it's one of those combo stores that has a KFC attached. And check out what's back! Buttered Lobster Bites! Why hasn't Governor Gray Davis, our resident fast food guru, tried these yet? Other than the fact that they would probably kill him, that is. Either way, he would die a happy man. Well least we know that LJS isn't run by the same guy that seems to be screwing everything else up today. Taking another look at those Lobster Bites, I'd say that their ideas man is God himself.

1:50 - Well I started to lose steam a bit, but luckily a gift from the Heavens gives me something else to point out. An IM from a former co-worker of mine from back in the day sends along this list of the most baffling toys of all time. Ever need a toy that simulates dissecting a fish? How about a poop hat? You're going to have to look outside of the US, chief. Yes, that is a poop hat to the right.

2:05 - With my lunch break winding down, the fellow coworkers come through in the clutch. What am I drinking as we speak? A fantastic Cap'n Crunch flavored shake. Hey, I've eaten healthy at lunch all week just so I could enjoy this thing as a Friday treat. Let me tell you...this stuff is the nectar of the gods. Now that they've liquefied breakfast cereal, we're only 1 step away from being able to inject food directly into our bodies with a giant I.V. What a time to be alive.

And now it's time to get back to work. What did we learn today, class? Well, Yahoo sucks (but they're probably smart because most people don't like to read) and is most likely run by the same people that are (thankfully) keeping the Rangers from acquiring the best right fielder in all of baseball, and they also fumbled the chance to put Chuck and D-Wade on the front of their webpage. And they love to burn books. And they're Nazis and need to supplement their income by selling their personal belongings on eBay.