Chaiming In

March 20, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Today's edition, brought to you choc full of inside jokes, Cubs news and unabashed political views!

-Kerry Wood missed today's game due to 'back spasms'. And in other news, the sun came up, the sky is blue, America is still at war, Lingering Bursitis got drunk, my shingles flared up and Hossrex didn't get laid.

-Can we get an impartial judge to impose some sort of deadline for these Brian Roberts trade talks? These fruitless talks have gone on longer than The Burning of the Red Lotus Temple. To tell you the truth, I don't even want the guy any more. I like my sports stories to be thrilling and full of surprise, and this is just too anti-climatic. I'm fine sticking with HOBB (Hero of Brant Brown), Mark DeRosa, or as he goes by on the message boards, MDR. No to mention that any trade for Roberts probably means that we have to sound 'Taps' for our namesake, Thunder Matt. Honestly though, what is left to negotiate in this deal? Are they bickering over whether to include a Gino's deepdish or Uno's thincrust in the deal? Can't they find a common ground and just settle on Lou Malnati's instead? I blame Ken.

-Both Dempster and Lieber pitched well yesterday. Good enough to probably solidify their tenuous spots in the rotation. Operation Blackball Jason Marquis is in full swing. Is anyone (besides Jason Marquis' mother) really going to be upset if he doesn't make the rotation? Not me. I grant you, he didn't suck as heartily as I figured he would last year, but I mean that as backhanded as a backhanded compliment can get. I like Dempster. I've met him before (namedropping!) and he seems like a really cool, funny guy...not your stereotypical, 'Got any gum?' jock. So I rooted for him last year even when he was blowing games left and right and making my wiener go limp. And Jon Leiber? Much like his asexuality, I'm indifferent.

-Oh Cubs pitchers, you're incorrigible! Pretending to wreck your strength coach's car and shit. (With lisp) That's ssssilly.

-I'm convinced that Thunder Matt must have wronged Sweet Lou. Their relationship seems strained, awkward and distant. Thunder is literally the red-headed stepchild of the equation. He wants nothing more than to please Dad. He tries his hardest, he's a great listener and he does all that is asked of him and more. He finishes his chores on time and keeps his locker spiffy. But it's never enough for you is it Dad? You want someone more in your mold huh? Hard nosed and mean. Gritty and tough. Well I'm sorry Dad, but that's not me! Deal with it. (Sobbing)

Can we get the team chaplin in here to call a truce? As long as the team Chaplin isn't Obama's minister. Yikes. That wouldn't end well.

-Speaking of politics, I know we keep that topic off limits here, but what the hell...we've tackled HIV and Chronic Fatigue, so why not? Don't let the hatemongers lead you to believe this Minster crap should reflect directly on Obama's character and beliefs. It's insanity. Listen, I'm Catholic. Went to Catholic school for over 10 years. If my priest was diddling the alter boy, am I accountable for the sins of the Father? Move on people. Don't be like these guys.

-Have you seen the previews for this Fox show The Moment of Truth? I watched the last half for the first time tonight, but judging from the commercials, every episode seems to be the same. They apparently only recruit sluts and douchebags (check out this great site, courtesy of the Governor, for an idea of what the talent is like), hook them up to lie detectors and then ask them questions like, 'Have you ever pumped another dude?' and 'Did you bang your wife's best friend?' And of course, their spouse is always right there in the audience, looking appropriately mortified. Oh, and the answer inevitably tends to be incriminating. Yes...watching marriages and relationships fall apart on live TV before your eyes is just as awkward and unpleasant as it sounds.

Rants: Conservative talk shows, Fox television, the movie Sleepwalkers, and of course, cilantro.

Raves: Free Radio on VH1, Sopranos Season 6 so far (3 episodes left, and yes, I pretty much know how it ends), Buster Olney