War Criminal: Cilantro

March 17, 2008 | Comments (3) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

Cilantro, you green, leafy son of a bitch!

This has gone on for far too long and I'm finally taking a stand. Stay out of restaurants and stop ruining perfectly good food!

It wasn't always like this. I hearken back to a simpler time when you could order just about anything and not have that vile weed destroying your taste buds with it's overpowering flavor of spicy soap. It tastes like soap! God dammit SOAP! Why not just mix a salad dressing out of crushed parsley, some tabasco, and some Dawn?

It never fails now. We'll go out to eat and I'll be scanning the menu when I see something that looks good. Checking the ingredients, everything looks delicious when my hopes are crushed. "...tossed with cilantro." Shit. Maybe I can ask them to hold the cilantro. Nope. It's premixed in. What a bunch of bullshit.

What's even more irritating is that cilantro can't just ruin one type of ethnic food. No, unfortunately it's a very cosmopolitan herb, able to ruin Mexican as well as Asian entrées.

I know I'm not alone in this. I have yet to meet anyone that says they love cilantro, and I'd say more than half the time the folks I talk to are in the same boat as me. Hell, I googled 'cilantro' and the second entry that came up was a website completely dedicated to hating that atrocious plant. I think people like to say they like cilantro to be hip, but deep down they truly don't care for it. Like watching a David Lynch film. To your friends you say, "This is freaking amazing, I love it." But in your head you're saying, "What the fuck is this garbage?"

So get the hell out of my life cilantro, also known as coriander if you're British, or dhania if you're Indian. You're like the asshole that shows up at the party and appears to mingle with the different crowds with no problems, but deep down everybody hates your fucking guts.

cilantro :: food as Keanu Reeves :: movies
both ruin everything they're in.


Anonymous @ 12:20 AM, May 01, 2012

Wow. I never realized there was so much Cilantro hating going on.

I've only had Cilantro on certain types of Mexican foods. Al Pastor and Lengua tacos are good with just cilantro and onions, which is the traditional way to eat them.

Outside of that, I haven't really noticed cilantro showing up anywhere.

Anonymous @ 12:22 AM, May 01, 2012

If it's just a garnish, don't eat it. Kale and parsley taste like shit too.

Anonymous @ 2:03 PM, May 14, 2013

Found this by googling "not everyone likes cilantro goddammit". Carry on the good fight brotha. Well said.