Cubs Sign This Guy

March 26, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

No, not the lead singer from Staind. Nope, not that guy that lives across the street that you suspect has a meth lab in his basement...the one that's always picking fights outside of sports bars after consuming dangerous amounts of Bud Heavy and Marlboro Reds, while his girlfriend, ten years his junior and barely legal, pleads with him to 'just stop'. Nope, it's Reed Johnson. Also known as 'the white guy who just got beat out by Shannon Stewart'.

So Jim Hendry gets to feed his insatiable outfielder fetish and Papa Lou gets a guy who fits his 'hard nosed' profile. A terrible signing for the Cubs? No. I guess it gives them someone to play centerfield, a position that is apparently so hard to play that the mere mention of the position leads lesser men to cut themselves while sobbing uncontrollably to Monster Ballads.

A terrible signing for Thunder Matt? Yes. Once again, he gets treated like the red-headed stepchild. How would you like it if your family kept adopting other kids, neglecting the fruit of their loins? Then your alcoholic father turns to you and says, 'You're not good enough you go get me a goddamn beer.'

Reed Johnson is now Thunder Matt's official Arch Enemy. (Which is even worse than a Nemesis, as Chuck Klosterman will tell you in one of his better pieces.*)

We here at TMS cast a leery eye on Reed Johnson. We dare him to win us over. Reed Johnson, you're on notice.

*Chuck Klosterman's Arch Enemy? Former Rangers pitcher Rick Helling!