Chaiming In

September 21, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

  • Is it possible to overuse the f-word? As this article proves, no. No, there isn't.
  • I get a lot of fan mail asking me, "Chaim, when are we going to get another Realm of Red? Are you just full empty promises and unrealized potential?" The answer to those questions is 'soon' and 'yes'. Brilliance takes time, like a nice pot of beef stew.
  • It has been said before but let me reiterate. It is never a good idea, even while in Jamaica, to get your hair braided into 'dreads' if you are white. Are you listening Axl?
  • Wait, are the Cubs still playing? Shit.
  • To be successful next year, the Cubs don't need a new manager. They don't need new personnel. Nope. What they need? A good old fashioned uniform change. I'm thinking maybe something modern and edgy. Maybe all black. Very sleek and classy. And in the summer time when it gets hot, who's to say you can't wear shorts? I think this would give their legs more room to breathe and the players would all run faster.
  • I do give a shit about the NFL, although I follow one man into the promised land (heaven, duh) and he goes by the name of Kurt Warner. The Redbirds will soar! (until week 7 when he is unceremoniously dumped in favor of that tall surfer guy). Kurt has always been the one guy to help identify my alma mater, Northern Iowa. If talking with a guy and I mention I mention that I went to Northern Iowa and I get a quizzical look I always follow it up with 'Kurt Warner went there'. As if that legitimizes it. Works better than saying 'Mike Furrey went there'. Kurt must really be trying to reshape his image as in a recent Sporting News feature he talks casually about going out for beers with Edge and him and Fitz making a bet about who could get home first after practice and stick it to their wife. And Kurt won! Guess that would explain his 7 kids. Before the obligatory Brenda joke, can I just say what's up with her long blonde hair now? Big improvement.
  • Lots of Iowa Hawkeye fans live in Chicago. Moreso than Illinois fans even. But for the record, many of these said Hawkeye fans are grade A douchebags, as the majority of them are Nickelback listening frat guys and Trixies who couldn't even tell you who Iowa was playing, much less the score. I cringe when I walk into an 'Iowa' bar (they're all either that, Notre Dame or Michigan until basketball season when the Illini fans come out of the closet)
  • Raves: Simply Limeade, Red Stripe, old-school KISS, Ryan Theriot, lobster, naps, Forest Whitaker, the return of fall TV (Lost and The Office especially), Esquire, Negril, Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Half Nelson and The Last King of Scotland (movies), coconut chicken, the Rockstar house band, a good solid pen, the Pirates late season surge, soft core porn, live music.
  • Rants: Seeing fucking Peyton Manning in every fucking commercial during every fucking NFL game (Man I hate the one with him and the fake mustache!), 'Manning Bowl' or 'Brother vs. Brother' or whatever the hell they were calling that stupid thing (Backwoods Inbred Brother Fucking Bowl?), Lukas Rossi, Ronny Cedeno, batting gloves, Yankees fans, spinach, The Black Dahlia, work, the absence of mankind's ability to time travel, any beer referred to as a 'stout', ESPN Zone, speedos, the commercials for TGI Friday's "green bean fries", snuff films.