Nomar Garciaparra: War Criminal

May 10, 2006 | Comments (1) | by Governor X

Yeah yeah, so Garciaparra is hitting .305 for the Dodgers, has driven in 17 runs in 15 games, and is the first LA hitter you can count on in the clutch since Eric Karros in his what. I don't like him. Never have. He should be tried for his crimes in Den Haag with Slobodan Milosevic (the dead Serbian dictator, not the Lakers forward).

The air tight case against Nomar:

1. The fidgiting (something the far more reprehensible Ricky Ledee also does, but not to the same extent). Everyone knows what I mean...knock that crap off already.
2. His name is Ramon spelled backwards...deliberately.
3. Another name related atrocity...a normal name like Garcia wasn't enough, his family had to add that insufferable "parra" to the end of it.
4. One more...Nomar is his middle name. He has the normal first name of Anthony.
5. He's a shortstop playing 1st base.
6. He was born the same day (July 23rd) as Monica Lewinsky, Don Imus, and the kid who plays Harry Potter. He also tries to steal birthday thunder from Dodger greats Don Drysdale and Pee Wee Reese.
7. Also on his birthday, the aforementioned war criminal Slobodan Milosevic took power in Serbia and The Hale Bopp comet was discovered. This clearly implicates him in both the ethnic cleansing in Kosovo and the Hale Bopp related mass suicide of the Heaven's Gate cult in 1997.
8. He's from Whittier, CA. Richard Nixon went to college there and the films Hocus Pocus and Masters of the Universe were filmed in the city. If that isn't enough to convict, I don't know what is (I'll continue anyway of course).
9. Eight god damned years with the god damned Red Sox.
10. Made his major league debut exactly one year to the day before Dodi Al-Fayed and some princess met their untimely end in a Paris car crash. Who will inherit Harrods now? Damn you Nomar!
11. He went to Georgia Tech...fuck you Bobby Ross.
12. Jose Cruz Jr came in 2nd to him in AL Rookie of the Year voting in 1997. Brett Tomko also got ROY votes that year...were those voters drunk?
13. His dickweed fans in Boston like this guy don't even bother to put his stints with Chicago and LA in his bio. This bozo hasn't even updated his Nomar page in 6 years.
14. He received a World Series ring from the Red Sox even though he wasn't on the team when they won.
15. He is married to Mia Hamm. She is probably more muscular than he is. Furthermore, Wikipedia calls her a soccer "legend" - what the hell is with that?
16. He hit two grand slams in one game, which is good, but it reminds me of when Fernando Tatis hit two grand slams in the same inning against Chan Ho Park. God damn it.

Well there you have it ladies and gentlemen of the jury, or whatever the hell you have in Den Haag, for all those reasons and more, its time to put him away.

Go Dodgers


Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan @ 6:31 AM, May 11, 2006

You know, Thunder Matt went to Georgia Tech as well.