August 24, 2007 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

First of all I'd like to mention that I spent about 5 minutes figuring out how to spell the Chewbacca yell. Five minutes I will never get back. Today Michael Vick entered an 11 page plea agreement stapled to a summary of facts that goes on for 10 more. He admits to gambling and to being an active participant in the torture and killing of dogs. The government spent their time, energy, and money to back him into a corner where all he could do was confess in hopes that they would ease up a bit when it came time to drop the axe. My experience with jail lies somewhere between The Shawshank Redemption, OZ, and Prison Break so I can't entirely blame the guy. If I had Jeff Garcia and the sisters breathing down my neck I'd sing and dance for The Man to get out of there too.

If I were Michael Vick and I were trying to make a last minute Alamo stand I would have Billy Martin follow the lead of the late Johnnie Cochran and use the Chewbacca Defense. How can you lose? For those of you unfamiliar with the Chewbacca Defense, I'd like to quote South Park where Johnnie defends Chef for the credit as the composer to the tune "Stinky Bitches":

Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

Gerald Broflovski
Damn it!



He's using the Chewbacca Defense!

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Ellis Weiner wrote in The Huffington Post that Dinesh D'Souza was using the Chewbacca defense in criticism of new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, defining it as when "someone asserts his claim by saying something so patently nonsensical that the listener's brain shuts down completely." All he had to do was talk about how 7-11 has locks on the doors but is open 24 hours or Hawaii has interstate highways and he would have been able to shift the public's attention enough to one side in order to, at the very least, settle with the government.

Mr. Mexico, all I have to say is you better hope that you don't run into anyone like Chewy for the next 12-18 months or you're going to be making the hard-to-spell noises.