Here Comes Keystone Monroe!

August 24, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

So most Cub fans know by now that the team has acquired Craig Monroe from the Detroit Tigers. What they may not know is that Craig's middle name, I shit you not, is Keystone. The guy doesn't even need a nickname. Keystone Monroe? That's brilliant. It conjures up images of some badass character from a 70's blaxploitation film.

The Cubs are sending a Player To Be Named Later to the Tigers in exchange for Monroe. There's no official word yet but according to the Detroit Free-Press, Jim Leyland has said they will be getting a left-handed pitcher in return. Since a PTBNL cannot be from the 25-man roster, the only three likely candidates would be Will Ohman, Neal Cotts, or Clay Rapada. It would be fitting if the Tigers took Ohman. It was about this time last season that we dumped a certain player who wore the #13 (like Ohman), and had wore our patience microscopically thin.

Keystone will probably play LF until Soriano comes back and then join the Wrigley Right Field Experience alongside Cliff Floyd and Daryle Ward. His ability to hit lefties well makes him a valuable asset at the plate. Just think of him as the bizarro Jock Jones.

So let's welcome our new outfielder by having a toast. Just follow these easy steps.

1) Open a can of Keystone.
2) Raise can to the air in salute.
3) Take a large swig from the can.
4) Realizing what you have just done and immediately regretting that decision, take the next few minutes to seriously contemplate when and where your life went horribly, horribly awry.
5) Take a large swig of Old Style to wash out the taste of Keystone.
6) Cry yourself to sleep as you slowly realize that Keystone Monroe's presence in the lineup spells even fewer opportunities for Thunder Matt.