War Criminal: iPhone

August 29, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

iPhone? iPhucking Don't Care.

I know this could also be considered an "Overrated" post about the iPhone, but my hatred for this device goes well beyond that.

The iPhone wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't shoved in my face at all times. Everywhere I go on the internet, there's an iPhone story. I see iPhone ads all over the place. And if I have to hear that jingle in the background of the iPhone commercials one more time, I am going to shoot myself in the face.

Let's talk about those commercials for a second. Am I really to believe that someone would be watching Pirates of the Caribbean's giant squid attack and suddenly think "Wow...I have to have seafood right now and it can't wait!" I guess we're glad that this person wasn't watching Silence of the Lambs.

So the trusty iPhone looks up where the closest seafood places are and that's that. But here's the thing: if I'm watching a movie on my phone or any other kind of portable media player, it means that I'm somewhere away from home, most likely on the bus or a train. And if that's the case, I couldn't just shoot off and get seafood at the drop of a hat anyway, so the instant seafood-finding abilities of the iPhone don't really come in handy. And if this person isn't on the train or in a cab? Then why not watch the fucking movie at home? Oh right...you have no TV and no home because you used that money to buy an iPhone.

What does the iPhone really cost? Let's check it out:

$599 for the phone, plus sales tax = about $650 give or take.
Minimum $60 a month plan from Cingular for 2 years: $1,440

Total: About $2,100

You could buy a new MacBook for that much. Hell, you can buy a decent car for that much.

The touchscreen? Just asking to get smudged, scratched or broken.

All the "Features"? Other phones do it better. Hell, I have a Moto SLVR, a phone that not only has iTunes built in, but can also surf the internet AND can send text messages without having to strain my fingers to type the tiny iPhone keypad.

I'm a pretty tech savvy person, and a Cingular customer, so naturally I was asked if I was going to get an iPhone when it came out. Seeing how I already have an iPod and a phone, I don't really need one. When I'm at work, I have a phone and internet access. When I'm at home, I have 2 computers with internet access and a phone and a TV. When I'm out at Target, I don't need immediate access to the internet to find the closest massage parlor. There's this thing called "Knowing the local places". And if I'm out of town, then I can take the 2 seconds to make sure I have a map before I go out! Why would I possibly need a phone to do it all for me, especially one that kills the environment?

What else could you get for the price of an iPhone?

  • An 80GB and a 30GB iPod
  • An 8GB, and a 4GB, and a 2GB iPod nano
  • Seven iPod Shuffles with $40 left over
  • A Playstation 3
  • A Nintendo Wii, and a Xbox 360 Core System, and a year of Xbox Live Gold
  • An Xbox 360 Premium, and a year of Xbox Live Gold, and a Xbox 360 media remote, and a Nintendo DS Lite
  • A Nikon D40 digital SLR with a 18mm-to-55mm lens
  • A Panasonic DMR-EH75V DVD recorder/80GB DVR/VCR deck and a Panasonic SC-HT40 home theater in a box

  • Why do we feel like we have to have everything we own, music and movies, all in one place. If you want it all on a trip with you, bring a laptop! Does anyone else remember when phones were just for calling people???

    I need to stop before something bursts in my head and I die at the keyboard with pictures of iPhones on my screen. Knowing my luck, my headstone would say "Here Lies Rich. He Loved The iPhone."