The Mother Of All That Is Holy...

August 09, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

First off, for anyone that noticed I didn't have my customary Rock of Love review up on Tuesday, it's because I don't have a TV right now. I'm in the middle of a move from Santa Monica to San Diego ("You stay classy...") and so it may be a while until the next RoL recap is posted. But if you really need it, just circle one choice in each bold section and it'll probably be pretty close to the actual episode:

In last night's episode of Rock of Love, Bret Michaels said it would really turn him on to see the girls in the house attempt to hang glide/play basketball topless/kick a puppy. But the tensions between Lacey/Brandi/Erin and Rodeo/Heather/Jes come to a head and they get drunk, strip down to their underwear and have a mud wrestling match/Jell-O fight/ticklefight. Meanwhile, Bret watches from the next room and says "That's hot/I'm really turned on/I feel an instant connection with these slutty women."

Seeing how I'm going to be busy over the next month with my move and what not, my appearances here at the Saloon may be sporadic at best. I'm going to try to contribute regularly as much as I can. but there's no guarantee. So I thought that I owed it to all of you faithful readers out there to really give you a treat. For the last few weeks, I've been trying to get an exclusive interview with Tha' Thunder himself, Mr. Matt Murton. Part of the problem is that I could never find the kid. I go to Iowa, they tell me he's in Chicago. I go to Chicago, they say they sent him back to Iowa. Sadly, I wasn't able to sit down with Matt for an exclusive interview. But I did get to talk to the next best thing: His mother.

Below is a transcript of a recent interview I was able to get with Mrs. Murton.

Me: Thank you for having me, Mrs. Murton. It's a real pleasure to be here with you.

Thunder Mom: Oh, it's no problem whatsoever. I'm a big fan of the Saloon. That Chaim is so dreamy...

Me: So tell me...what was it like raising Matt as a child?

TM: Oh, he was the perfect son. When he came out of the womb, he didn't even cry. He just stood up and cut the umbilical cord himself. Then he washed himself off and ran off to the local little league field and went 3-4.

Me: That's quite a tale.

TM: Oh, that's nothing. As he got older, he became more and more like his father, Thor.

Me: I assume you're talking not about just some random guy named Thor, but the actual Norse God of Thunder?

TM: Correct. He and I met at a time share meeting about 30 years ago. I went for the free mystery prize. I guess Thor used them to try to pick up chicks. He said it worked for him once before about 50 years ago or so, and that's how he ended up with his first child. But yes, Matt got his superhuman strength from his father. I guess he just traded in swinging a giant hammer for swinging a giant bat!

Me: So what's next for Matt? Does he ever talk about his goals?

TM: Oh, Matt doesn't have any goals. If you set a goal, you may not reach it, which never happens for Matt. Getting into the Hall of Fame is a foregone conclusion that will come to pass. Matt has decided to stop at 840 home runs, 5,000 career hits and 17 batting titles. He could have more than that if he wanted, but he doesn't want to put the records he sets completely out of reach. And those are just the hitting marks he's planning on stopping at.

Me: You don't mean...

TM: That's right. Matt plans on winning at least 9 Cy Young awards when it's all said and done.

Me: Well doesn't that all depend on Matt getting into the lineup every day?

TM: How much faith do you have in the health of the Cubs outfield?

Me: True. You're the best, Mrs. M.

TM: I know.