American Idol Update: Week 2

11:00 PM | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Welcome back to Pomp...err, The Saloon where we're following American Idol Season 35 or whatever it is now. Alexis, Danny, and Michael snuck through last week. Danny and Michael were truly awful, so Alexis' tepid performance seems good by comparison.

No time to point out how much Fantasia sucks today, lets get right into it. Here's my round-up of the karaoke followed by the Paulaism of the week:

Jasmine Murray - Shouldn't the Billboard Top 100 be songs that people know? I don't recall ever hearing this before. I'm going to guess whoever sang it originally wasn't trying this hard though. Typical lame start to the show.

Matt Giraud - He's a dueling piano player from Kalamazoo, whatever the hell that is. Viva la Vida by Coldplay with a dash of faux whiteboy wannabe soul. Birthing a yard gnome probably wouldn't be as painful as this. We have an early contender for tonight's worst.

Jeanine Vailes - Jeanine is a transvestite right? Definitely getting a Ru Paul vibe here. Bad singer too. Like Bobby Jindal bad. Even Paula can't say anything good about this performance and she's completely hopped up on digitalis and vicodin right now.

Nick Mitchell - The comedian is performing as alter ego Norman Gentle. Too bad for him he's about as funny as a bag of dead puppies. I can't even give him points for being bad. It doesn't count if you try to suck.

Allison Iraheta - The obnoxious sixteen year old who sounds like she's been smoking for sixty years attempts to sing Heart's Alone. She's OK, but the stage act has got to go. Her total disdain for Seacrest is refreshing though.

Kris Allen - I can't find the words to describe how boring this guy is. This must be what being thrown in "the hole" in prison is like. Just sitting there rocking yourself and going insane, staring blankly at the bare walls...

Megan Corkrey - Her son is named Ryder. That's a truck rental company, not a name. What the hell is wrong with people? I hate the song she's singing so much I can't give you an honest opinion on her.

Matt Breitzke - Shockingly enough, we may actually have our first good singer of the new season. It only took two weeks and twenty people or so. The judges still think he can sing but don't like the song. Oh well.

Jesse Langseth - You know she's interesting when her label is "the single mom". She has a very prominent forehead. Utterly forgettable. I think I'm back in "the hole".

Kai Kalama - He starts out singing OK, but then it just deteriorates and goes nowhere. He's also way too much of a dude. We already have one Jack Johnson and that's one too many since we all know his music will cause random post office and restaurant shootings one day.

Mishavonna Henson - Any day I don't hear Drops of Jupiter, it's been a good day. No such luck this noche.

Adam Lambert - This guy is emo, but wears a lot of Mr. T bling. The only thing more confused than his look is his sexuality. To top it off, his version of Satisfaction is so horrendous Mick Jagger died just so he could roll over in his grave.

The two hour idol marathons have got to stop. Does Fox really not have anything else to put on? God help you if you watch the results show, that means three hours of your week is devoted to this crap. At least two good singers slipped in the mix tonight. I can only assume this is an oversight on the producers' part. For those of you voting for the worst, I suggest Matt Giraud and his Vanilla Ice Viva la Vida performance. If you want to vote for someone good, you actually have a guy and a girl this week. Matt Breitzke and Allison Iraheta both showed some promise. And now, here's tonight's Paulaism. GOVERNOR X OUT.

I think you can sing the telephone book.

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