An Open Letter to Professional Athletes

With Marshawn Lynch being the most recent poster boy for professional athletes busted for stupidity, I felt the need to draft this letter to all the other young stars out there, whether in a professional league or still a wet behind the ears college or high school star.

Look, I understand that you're young. There's lots of pressure on you from coaches, your friends, your parents, whatever. However, there seem to be a of of young athletes out there succumbing to their inner dumbass and engaging in illegal and dangerous activities. To this I say that you guys need to apply the Fundie philosophy on premarital sex (or anything fun, really) and JUST DON'T DO IT. AKA The Arcturus Wait Until You're Retired Plan.*

Things to Avoid:

1. Guns-I can't stress this enough. Leave the arsenals to Ted Nugent, okay? I understand the fascination. I grew up on action movies as well. Guns are cool. I got it. But you're a pro athlete, not an extra in Red Dawn. And what's the deal with all the illegal firearms? For Chrissake, you guys are millionaires. You can't afford a fucking gun license? And a holster? Who carries a gun in their flipping sweatpants? What does a damn holster cost, 2o bucks? Just wait until you retire. Then you can buy a cruise missile for all I care. Look, I understand you want to protect yourself and your stuff now that you're rich. That's why you get a couple of bodyguards. Professional bodyguards, not the two chuckleheads you went to high school with who shot squirrels for fun. Which brings us to #2:

2. Friends aka barnacles aka hangers on aka losers who are costing you money. Look, I have friends, too. I understand the urge here. You hit it big and you wanna bring your boys with you, show them a taste of the good life. But we've all had friends who are just bad news. They're the guys still thinking their life is gonna turn out like it does on TV. They're still living with their folks, dreaming about the day they'll hit it big. They haven't grown up. It's up to you to be the grown up and that means not enabling dipshits like this. Because they will fuck up your life, your finances, and your image. (Special note here: I'm not black. I can never understand about the 'hood and the bond that you guys have growing up. I'm not here to claim that I ever will. I can't understand the thug life, but I understand the attraction to it is strong and the desire not to appear weak is strong. But you gotta let it go, man. Like everything else, that will be there when your career is over too and you can return to it at that point if you choose to. But don't let it end your career.) In the long run, these guys are only your buddies until your money runs out. God, just look what happened to Elvis. He bought all those Cadillacs for his boys and nobody bothered to make sure he wasn't mixing the wrong pills together.

3. Dangerous Hobbies-Again, I understand. You've got money to blow and there's lots of shiny shit out there to tempt you. As an athlete you have this urge to pit yourself and your body against nature, man, semi-trucks, hell-even the Almighty himself. You're invincible, a golden god. But I implore you, please stop with the dumbass hobbies and pastimes. So no bungee jumping, alligator wrestling, or their equivalents. Like riding motorcycles without a helmet. I'm looking at you, Roethlisberger. If you want a motorcycle, I'm cool with that. Buy one. Fuck it, buy ten. Just don't ride it. If you have to, go out in the garage and sit on it. Hell, fire that bad boy up so it makes your nuts vibrate. But wait until you retire to take that sucker out. At that point, you can ride it naked and it won't matter. Break every bone in your body, it's not going to cost you time on the DL or void your contract. Or make me wanna smack you around for wasting your God given talent screwing around.

4. Illegal Activities-This should be a no-brainer. Hey, I think pot should be legal. But it's not and until it is, I'm not gonna smoke it. I'm not going to jail to be passed around like Miley Cyrus at the Disney After-Oscar party. Not gonna happen. Again, I know that there's temptation. You can afford to buy anything you want and you don't even have to look for a dealer anymore. They find you. After you retire, you can plant your own marijuana field and smoke it all. Until then, stay clean, son. And DUI's are about the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard of. You make more money than Jesus and yet you're driving yourself home after a night of clubbing, fucking, and drinking. What's the matter with you? In Step #1, we hired bodyguards. Here in Step#4, the solution is to hire a driver. Again, a real driver, not your cousin Elroy or the douchebag who's nailing your sister this week. Those guys will just drink with you and you'll end up driving anyway. You want the guy who wears a uniform and stays with the car. If it makes you happy, he can have a gun, too. Licensed. Are you listening, Marshawn? Ask yourself this: if you just laid down a quarter mil for a Bentley do you want a drunk guy driving it home or the guy from The Transporter? What do you think, Dontrelle?

Think about it. How long do you think the career of the average pro athlete lasts? If you're a running back in football, you're going to be lucky if you play past thirty. You might get a couple of semi-decent years in a platoon after that, but even thirty-two ain't all that old. You'll still have plenty of time to do all the crazy shit you want to do now. Not everyone gets to be Brett Farve or Julio Franco. Most of us never get the chance to be pro athletes or live out our dreams. Savor every moment and leave a lasting legacy. If you follow the Arcturus plan of Wait Until You're Retired, you can have a productive athletic career and then tear it up when you quit.

*Also applies to professional musicians and actors.