An Open Letter to David Beckham

Dear David,

First and foremost, you are a shadow of the player you once were. Kim Jong Il is bolstered by less mythology. Second, thank you for pilfering the Los Angeles Galaxy. If any good is to come of this, it will be that the MLS recognizes the necessity of greater self-promotion and proactively works to nurture a more polished crop of American players so that we do not have to rely on has-beens and never-weres with controversial haircuts. Third, please take comfort in the fact that we will not miss your gaunt wife, and our economy will rebound just fine without her credit cards.

Really, it wasn't you David. It was me.

Yours,
America

P.S. Enjoy your time lying underneath flopping Italians.

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