Cubs help Phils back into Wild Card Race

August 24, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Jake the Terrible Cubs Fan

After the Abreu trade, most people had left the Phillies for dead. Instead they've become yet another case study in the Ewing Theory, going 15-7 in the month of August so far. And thanks to their recent roadtrip to Wrigley, Philadelphia finds themselves only 1.5 games behind the Reds for the Wild Card.

Today the Phillies, looking to get the sweep, will face an uphill challenge as Chaz Zambrano takes the mound against them. But Philly has an ace up their sleeve as well in Cole Hamels. The 6' 4" manchild will face the Cubs for the very first time, and we all know what that means. Just like John Maine was like an enchanted unicorn, mystifying the Cub batters back in July, Hamels will be a hulking left-handed minotaur tossing 8 innings of one-run ball against us. I say one run because you know Thunder Matt will launch one again. The guy eats pieces of shit like Hamels for breakfast. Pieces of shit meaning left-handed pitchers.

So Neifi's gone and Cesar! is hurt. Which means we've officially gone from a three-headed monster of Walker-Perez-Hairston to start the season to a three-headed monster of Theriot-Bynum-Coats. Yes folks, the Buck Coats era has begun. Buck Coats. That sounds like a made-up name you'd use while talking to a girl at a bar. Kind of like Chip Wesley. It just sounds phony. But hey, at least we don't have a washed-up aging vet in the trio this time. Where's Tony Womack Dusty? Or could we dig up some other fossil? What's Carlos Baerga up to these days?

I'll close with some random notes about nothing.
  • The other morning I briefly caught a snippet of the basebrawl involving the Angels and Rangers on Sportscenter. All excited, I jumped on the MLB website when I got to work to find the video of it. All I gotta say is, weak. That was the worst bench-clearing "brawl" I've ever seen. The best part was the announcers making fun of Scott Feldman for throwing his punches sidearm as well. Seriously what happened to good old-fashioned fisticuffs on the field? I think every team needs a Kyle Farnsworth/Robert Fick type of player just to keep things lively. The benches clear, some minor scuffling occurs and things seem to settle down when BOOM! Farnsworth body slams the bullpen catcher for no reason whatsoever and all hell breaks loose.
  • Our fantasy football draft is this weekend and I've hardly begun to prepare. Right now I know that I should draft a RB first and Marshall Faulk is good and...what? Ahh shit.
  • Thanks to ESPN for playing out the college football season for us already. I can't wait to cheer the Hawkeyes on in the mythical football playoffs. Seriously, the nutsack on them to pull this after we had to endure a frickin' month of "Is the '05 USC team better than this historic team" last season. It became like some sophisticated version of Bill Swerski's Super Fans. "Eh, I'm gonna say 2005 Trojans 145, 1971 Cornhuskers 3." Hey guys, usually to be considered one of the greatest college teams ever, you need to win the National Title first.
  • Our household has recently discovered the wonderful reality shows on A&E. Two big thumbs up for Dog the Bounty Hunter and Gene Simmons: Family Jewels. Dog seems to be A&E's bread and butter as its on all the frickin' time, kind of like Trading Spaces was on TLC a few years ago (What? No I didn't watch Trading up!). Its just hard to explain Dog properly. Lots of mullets, chasing fugitives, and praying to Jesus. What's best though is that they wrap things up into nice 30 minute shows. So your attention span can be that of the meth addict they're busting and you can still enjoy it.