Chaiming In

August 17, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

After a long layoff fraught with hangovers, danger and evenings with Kenan Thompson (insert 'Good Burger' joke here, please), I am back with my daily dose of what I like to consider wit, but most consider filth and slander. Let's start out by talking about two dangerous predators looking to take a bite out of yo' ass (I am so white) this weekend...cardinals and snakes.
  • The Cardinals invade Wrigley this weekend. So it's a 'friendly' rivalry they tell me. Well St. Louians, you can take your khaki shorts with the red polos tucked in (you know who you are), your Anheuser Busch, your moustaches, your fucking navy blue hats with red bills and your 'ARC-itecture' and shove it up your ass. One of my greatest Cubs memories was in 2004 in the strech drive, where sitting behind home plate I watched Shawn 'Motherfucking' Estes dismantle your brood of pill popping, needle injecting, size 8 hat wearing ne'r-do-wells. But the greatest thing ever occurred when a Cards fan, all of about 5'7, 150 lbs soaking wet tried to pick a fight with a Cubs fan who I recall as being a dead wringer for Andre the Giant. In fact, I think it was Andre the Giant. Is he dead? If so, God rest his soul and I apologize for the 'dead wringer' remark, but if not, then shit, pretty sweet seeing him at a Cubs game. Anyway, this Cards fan tries to knock the Andre's hat off and Andre just punches him in the face. Boom! Andre the Giant, Shawn Estes and the Cubs beating the Cards in front of a packed house down the stretch. I went into a joy coma.
  • "Snakes on a Plane" opens this weekend. Consider it your patriotic duty to see this film. While the initial irony of all it has long since worn thin, I will still slap down my 10 dollars (ok, that's a lie, I get into movies free) just to hear Sam Jackson utter the line of the year, "Get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!" to the eruption of a packed theatre audience. I mean, even if this movie is bad, it will still be good. That doesn't make sense but you get the drift. I read some early user reviews on IMDB, and the early reports from the late screenings seem to be overwhelmingly positive. The best line was from someone who said, "Snakes on a Plane is so good it makes The Godfather look like The Shaggy DA." Ha! Nice. They could have went for the obvious (The Shaggy Dog) but instead throw in a reference to obscure sequel. The Shaggy DISTRICT ATTORNEY! Fucking Tim Conway. Before Snakes on Plane there was...the Shaggy DA.
  • It's a damn shame that the Cubs Blog Army hasn't been updated, if for no other reason than to include Thunder Matt and expose us to the masses. A glaring omission (a travesty if you will) on par with KISS not being in the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame. And if we were to assign KISS related identities to Saloon members, I of course would be Gene, the Guvna' would be Eric Singer (much more proficient AND affable than Peter Criss), Chip would be Paul and last but not least Brant filling the role of 'Ace Frehley, lead geeeetaaahh!' I really had to resist throwing in a Mark St. John reference. Oh, and I guess Chi-Town Girl could be Shannon Tweed.
  • Went to sell my Saturday bleacher tickets a few weekends ago...they offered me $20. Wow. Didn't see that coming. It was only 2 years ago around the same time that my brother and I tried to scalp tickets and the guy wanted $125 bucks apiece. My brother looked him straight in the eye (or as straight as 3 Bloody Marys and a wicked hangover would allow) and said "I hope you burn in hell." Those same sentiments could be applied the $20 lowball.
  • The photo insert feature on can officially kiss my ass. It's like the internet version of whiskey dick. It just doesn't work.
  • Summer in Chicago. So great. For those of you that haven't tried it, fuck it, move here for 5 months, then get the hell out before winter comes. As the one true Chicagoan (via Iowa transplant, I concede) at the Saloon (LA, really?), I will put my city up against all comers. Quad Cities, you want a piece?
  • Fearless prediction. The Cubs take 2 out of 3 against the Cardinals, "Snakes" grosses $30 million at the box office and the wheels are put in motion for a sequel...and after an unfortunate contract snafu, Sam backs out and is replaced by...Danny Glover. Who starred in the Lethal Weapon series with...Mel Gibson. Six degrees of Mel Gibson! Wait, I don't think I did that right. Oh well. Better than Roberto Novoa I suppose.