Thunder Matt's Roundtable: Floyd Landis

August 07, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

So as a new feature, which may or may not reoccur, I’ve decided to convene a panel of athletes to discuss the major sports news of the day.

Governor Gray Davis (GGD): If you’re a red blooded American like me, nothing matters to you quite as much the integrity of the Tour de France. After a second positive test for high testosterone levels, which appear to be artificial, this year’s winner Floyd Landis seems to have cheated and may be stripped of his title.

Joining me to discuss are current and former MLB players Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Jose Canseco, and Jason Grimsley - thanks for joining me guys.

So, it looks like Landis is a doper - any opening thoughts?

Jason Grimsley (JG): This guy took boatloads of testosterone. No way to get around that.

Mark McGwire (MM): On the advice of my attorney, I decline to answer that question.

GGD: Mark, you aren’t under oath.

MM: …

GGD: OK then…Jose, you’ve called out some of your former teammates about using performance enhancing drugs - care to comment?

Jose Canseco (JC): Well, I’ve personally injected Floyd Landis with these substances.

GGD: Jose, I have reliable evidence that not only did you not inject him with drugs, you’ve never even met him.

JC: You’re mistaken.

Barry Bonds (BB): Can I jump in here?

GGD: Of course Barry, go ahead…

BB: I believe Floyd when he says he didn’t take anything. This is just the media enjoying his fall. I mean, he doesn’t exhibit any of the signs - sudden weight gain , drastic increase in physical abilities, feelings of persecution, an enormous head, or…uh, crap - I think I better go…

(Barry leaves, ripping his shirt, turning green, and punching a hole in the wall on the way out)

GGD: We haven’t heard from you yet Mr. Palmeiro.

Rafael Palmeiro (RP): (wagging finger) I’ve never taken steroids, I have too much respect for the game.

GGD: We’re talking about Floyd Landis, not you Mr. Palmeiro.

RP: (finger still wagging) This is a witch hunt. I don’t have to stand for this.

GGD: Right…OK, its been a stimulating discussion guys - any parting thoughts?

JC: I’ve also injected Governor Gray Davis with steroids.

GGD: No you haven’t Jose - Mark?

MM: On advice of counsel, I decline to answer that question.

GGD: Yeah…Rafael?

RP: (wagging his finger faster than before, staring down Governor Gray Davis, but saying nothing).

GGD: Jason?

JG: Boatloads.

GGD: OK, thanks to all of my guests for joining me today. We hope you’ll read the next edition of Thunder Matt’s Roundtable.