Chaiming In, New Years Edition

December 29, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

While going home for the holidays I was shocked and horrified to hear 'Christmas Time' by Alvin and the Chipmunks. Do people actually buy the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" albums? Tis the season for murder I say! Doing a minimal amount of research, I find that yes, not only are people buying these albums, but they are rating them an average of 4.5/5 stars on Amazon. I mean these guys are to music what Al Qaeda is to the world.

Who's the boss now? I could fucking buy you Danza.

Barry Zito, or as my wife calls him, "the hottest guy in baseball...way better looking than you" just signed a 7 year, $126 million dollar deal with the Giants. They've done studies that show that good looking people earn more than ugly people. Comparing Zito's salary to Randy Johnson's, we see this to be true. I can see Zito not wanting to take his 85 mph heater to the softball diamond in Arlington, but San Fran? Good luck keeping that ERA down with the geriatrics you have behind you. At least once a week, Barry Bonds legs will fall off while running after the ball, leading to a record year for inside the park homers, and lots of Sam Crawford references . Doesn't Jack Clark still play for them? Seriously, they could sign Julio Franco and the median age on the team would actually decrease. In other exciting news, this Boras-negotiated contract will mean that Carlos Zambrano has the leverage to make the Cubs beg for mercy, rename Wrigley Field in his honor and provide discounted Old Style to all of his countrymen. Well shit, we better hope Rich Hill pans out.

Bob Knight is poised to become college basketball's all time winningest head coach. All I have to say about that is (long string of expletives. choking myself. throwing chair down the hallway, narrowly missing the cat. more expletives. burying my face in red sweater, sobbing.)

The NFL caused quite a little stir by moving the Bears-Packers game to 7:00 on New Years Eve, using the power of the flex schedule to thwart many New Years plans for my fellow Chicagoans. My plans had included watching the game while getting drunk on the couch by myself, leading to a icy stare from my wife which says 'Happy New Year Asshole' better than any greeting card ever could. Fortunately, this switch in times does not affect my plans.

Kurt Warner takes to the field once again, riding a white steed (no, not Brenda) into San Diego to lead the Arizona Football Cardinals to what will surely be a disappointing and most likely, embarrassing loss. But there is hope. Kurt has turned to using a pair of 'gloves' when he plays to reduce his fumblitis. These gloves will surely make him more mobile and increase his escapability tenfold. They are also good for seducing ladies and hitting those tough inside pitches. Fearless prediction: Cardinals 23 Chargers 17. Kurt Warner 1 The Devil 0. Stem Cell Research in Missouri 1 Kurt Warner 0.

The Iowa Hawkeyes take on the Texas Longhorns in the vaunted Alamo Bowl. The Alamo Bowl. Iowa's default bowl for the years in which they suck. Texas, fresh off a national championship, gets stuck with a crummy 6 win team, and doesn't even get to travel. Drew Tate will try in vain to work some Big Texas Magic only to find out that his other players all have the and heart of a 'Elf'-era Jon Favreau (look at how fat he is. That is just unhealthy. And the irony is that he's playing a doctor. Pashaw!), not the 'Rudy'-era one. Fearless prediction: Texas 31 Iowa 13. Ouch. Hayden Fry's mustache 1 Matthew McConaughey's stubby arms 0.

How bout them Northern Iowa Panthers! The alma mater is looking tough in basketball again this year. Certainly the best team in Iowa, which is like being the hottest chick at truck stop diner at 2AM. You just don't know what you're getting. Is it even a woman? But I'm thinking we can at least advance past the first round in the tourney this year, much to the chagrin of Billy Packer.

Rants: Not having a long Christmas break like in college, lamenting, everyone sending/giving/bringing 'sweets' to work for the holidays (how bout a meat and cheese tray? Some Omaha Steaks? Fuck sugar cookies.), guys that do somersaults into a bar to announce their entrance, trying to keep up with drinkers who dwarf your tolerance, trying to pick a fight and then ending it in a warm embrace, Brett Favre man crushes, 'unrated versions' of DVDs.

Raves: Gift Cards, overeating/drinking, 'Kissology Volume I' (the ONLY Kiss DVD you need), the passage of time, breaded pork tenderloins, America: The Book, post-Christmas sales (and getting it online instead of braving the crowds), Topolobampo, finding a good sushi place that delivers.

Happy New Year. Mel says, 'Drink responsibly, but don't let the Jews spoil all your fun!'