David Eckstein's Nerdiness Leads to Drunken Discovery

December 14, 2006 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

I started out with the full intention of writing up a short piece around the fact that David Eckstein is the biggest nerd on the planet. This should come as a shock to no one who has ever seen this guy, who is the equivalent to the white Urkel. But the straw that broke the camel's cock was when I flipped through the Tribune the other day, I stumbled across a classic article about Eckstein 'brawling' with the anointed leader of white trash nation, A.J. 'Who Me?' Pierzynski at a TNA wrestling pay per view. That sounds exotic.

The article in the paper had a picture, where it appears that Eckstein is holding some sort of championship belt. A wrestling belt none-the-less. Wow. I mean, World Series MVP was enough of a stretch, but wrestling champion? Even given the fact that wrestling is entirely and cartoonishly scripted, and the TNA wrestling roster includes a character aptly named 'Shark Boy', this seems out of context and completely absurd.

So I was looking for a picture of this monumental wrestling feud, which probably ranks up there amongst the greatest of all-time, alongside Koko B. Ware vs. The Genius. No pictures were found, though it did lead me to a site that deserves a mention beyond 'Left Field Link of the Week'.

Yes, that's right, DrunkAthletes.com. A whole site devoted to pictures of athletes getting loaded. Look at the picture of Eckstein! Drinking straight Cuervo out of the bottle. Most players chug champagne or even beer after winning it all, but this diminutive sprite says 'Fuck It! Mas Tequila!' That alone was almost enough to get taken of my Nerds of the Year list, but then you visit his official website and look at the pictures of him with his hat off, and goddamn it Eckstein, you're right back to square one.

But back to Drunk Athletes. AJ Pierzynski doing a whip cream shot. Jimmy Johnson's man tits. A coked up Steve Nash ripping his shirt off on the dance floor. Michael Jordan bartending before a big night of gambling and cheating on his wife. All of it, sports comedy gold. I will never watch the Fox NFL Pregame the same after looking at those pictures of Jimmy Johnson. It's like walking in your parents having sex. Huddled in the fetal postion, shaking and sweating, I am scarred, yet oddly aroused.

I'm going to go chug some tequila and seek help. But not before I tivo me some hot TNA action!

My hair may not move, but my belly does! Where's the sex boat?