The First Annual Rick Astley Awards Sponsored by Realm of Red

1:10 AM | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Hey, it's another crappy year-end list/awards/recap! (Children screaming in joy, hands raised!) Sure to be lumped in with the American Music Awards, VH1 Big in '06 and any bestseller 'list' that contains an Ann Coulter book, this comprehensive list/awards/recap is sure to turn you off from this site for good. In honor of someone actually buying one of our 'I Was Ast-Raped in 88' T-shirts (half off to the next lucky schmo!) and also to pay homage to my idol, I've named my first annual awards after everybody's (scratch that, nobody's) favorite crooner. No, not Taylor Hicks silly! And everything needs a sponsor right? Though we don't see a red cent. Pun intended. And just for good measure, I've thrown in some random comments and appearances by some of your favorite Realm of Red characters. Besides, since they're our sponsor, we are contractually obligated to include them. So if you're looking for rhyme, reason or clarity, you've certainly come to the wrong place. Surely there's a Pirates blog somewhere where you can find answers.

So, without further ado (and much ado about nothing), lets bring our first presenter to the stage.

THE NHL AWARD: *Given to the world's worst sport - Ronald McDonald nervously tears open the envelope, his makeup running and his breath reeking of a three day bender. Pants soiled.
The Winner: The NHL! (Crowd is silent. Ronald has a little throw-up burp.)
Commentary from Rick Astley in heavy British accent: "I certainly thought for a minute that boxing might pull of the upset. When the most well known, and arguably talented fighter in the heavyweight divison is the fictional Rocky Balboa, you know something is bloody wrong.

THE WANG ZHIZHI AWARD: *Given to a larger than average Asian disappointment.
The Winner: Hee Sop Choi. (Rusty Staub to Reba McIntyre: "He what? Who in tarnation is that? I think I had that for lunch.")

THE SAM CASSELL AWARD: *Given to the ugliest sports star.
The Winner: Randy Johnson. Is that original? Probably not. But the NBA is riddled with so many ugly players (must be something with being ridiculously tall) that I couldn't pick just one. Plus, let's face it, ole' Randy ain't gettin' any cuter. And, because I am in the holiday spirit and don't want to lose our 4 or 5 fans left out there, I decided to give Peyton a pass. Though don't think I wasn't tempted.

THE SAMMY SOSA BOOMBOX AWARDS: *Given to the year's best albums
1. The Killers, Sam's Town - No sophomore slump here.
2. TV on the Radio, Return to Cookie Mountain - Weird and glorious.
3. Pete Yorn, Nightcrawler - A solid and overlooked gem.
4. Paul Stanley, Live to Win - Extremely satisfying slice of American cheese.
5. Butch Walker and the Let's Go Out Tonites, Ladies and Gentlemen... - Putting the 'cock' back in rock.
Honorable Mention: Muse, Black Holes and Revelations, Brian Vander Ark, Angel Put Your Face On, The Strokes, First Impressions of Earth, The Decemberists, The Crane Wife, Incubus, Light Grenades
Songs of the Year: The Killers, Read My Mind, Incubus, Anna Molly, Buckcherry, Crazy Bitch, TV on the Radio, Hours, The Raconteurs, Steady as She Goes, Pete Yorn, For Us

THE THAD BOSLEY AWARD: *Awarded to the best Cub off the bench.
The Winner: Thunder Matt Murton, of course. C'mon, we have to mention the guy every once in a while. He is after all, our namesake. If you were hoping this was Neifi Perez, well then Santa Claus is going to shit in your pillowcase.

THE NOBODY GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOU ANYMORE DUDE, SO JUST FUCKING SIT DOWN AND POP SOME MORE PILLS. DOUCHE.
The Winner: Terrell Owens (Caruso: "Finish the job Terrell, you pussy!" Re-adjusts sunglasses, tilts head and looks into the camera. "Or will the job finish Terrell?")

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM OF THE YEAR: (Lion-O emerges shirtless to the NWO theme music, grabbing the microphone.)
The Winner: Cornell Big Red. Suck it Nebraska!

THE GARY BUSEY AWARD: *Awarding excellence in cinema. Let me preface this by saying that this list really isn't complete without me having seen Rocky Balboa yet. Yes, I really am excited to see that. Goddamn it, I'm an American. I don't listen to Toby Keith and I don't like apple pie or chocolate chip cookies, but give me my two slices of Americana: Baseball and Rocky.
1. The Departed - If Clint beats Marty for the Oscar this year, Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg won't even let him get to the stage without giving him a Boston beatdown.
2. Children of Men - If you only see one movie in the theatre all year...contains not one, but two 'knock your dick in the dirt' continuous action scenes, shot all in one take with one camera. Simply amazing. One seven minute stretch will almost have you gasping for air, literally. A cinephile's wet dream.
3. Little Miss Sunshine - an understated Steve Carell plays second fiddle to the rest of the stellar cast in the feel good indie of the year.
4. Borat - I likes this moviefilm. Biting satire, social commentary, poop jokes and nude wrestling. A thinking man's Jackass.
5. The Prestige - C'mon, it's got David Bowie in it. Enough said.
6. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - 'If you don't like Big Red gum, fuck you.'
7. Casino Royale - Finally, we can all stop talking about how great Timothy Dalton was. If not for a spectacular sequence in Children of Men, the opening chase scene of this would be the nail biter of the year.
8. Little Children - Suburban angst done up right, with lots of naked Kate Winslet. Oh, and the ugly kid from Bad News Bears playing the town pedophile. Sign me up!
9. Inside Man - Oh Spike Lee. I've been Bamboozled!
10. Pan's Labyrinth - A fairy tale for adults. No, not porn. Surreal and enchanting.
Honorable Mention: Shut Up and Sing, Half Nelson, Miami Vice
Worst Movies: American Dreamz, Man of the Year, The Black Dahlia.

THE OLIVIA MANNING AWARD: *Given to the best southern cookin' recipe.
The Winner: Biscuits and Gravy (Georgia Frontiere appears out of nowhere to read her recipe.)
Recipe: Buy those roll-out, biscuits in a can. Eat some of the dough raw. Mmmmm! Put on cookie sheet. Preheat oven at 625 degrees. Cook. Pour gravy out of a jar on top. If you don't have gravy, feel free to substitute ketchup, olive oil or rum. (Sutcliffe to Clooney: "You writin' that down? That will feed a lot of them kids in Africa.)

THE DRUNK GIRL WILLING TO EXPERIMENT AWARD: *Given to the hottest WNBA player.
The Winner: Stacey Dales, Chicago Sky. You work it straight girl! You work it!

THE RICH PRICK TALKING ON HIS BLUETOOTH WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING ON HIS BLACKBERRY AWARD: *Given to those players who were erroneously awarded way too much money.
The Winners: Gil Meche, JD Drew, Gary Matthews Jr., Jason Marquis and any other free agent starting pitcher really. (Sutcliffe: "Where was that shit when I was around? Christ on a bike, I was 16-1! Vicente Padilla? I mean, really?")

THE 'MICHAEL JORDAN FOR THE WIZARDS?' AWARD: *Given to tough luck veterans hanging onto past glories.
The Winners: NFL veteran QB's. Kurt Warner, Mark Brunell, Brad Johnson, Daunte Culpepper, Drew Bledsoe....c'mon down. (Shawn Bradley, helping Brad Johnson to his walker. Johnson: "Thanks Shawn. You're a good boy.")

"Daddy's gonna give you a whisker rub!"


THE COREY PATTERSON AWARD: *Hero. Goat. Hero. Goat. Goat.
The Winner: Rex Grossman. Has a QB tickled the taints of so many fans only to not seal the deal and leave you with blue balls more than Sexy Rexy? He's just so damn nice that you hate to be mean to the guy. But then you watch the Cutlers, Leinarts, Youngs, Palmers and Riverseses.. of the world who make it seem so fluid and effortless at times. And Rex, he's out there and you're rooting for him, and he's throwing off his back foot, chucking it as hard as he can. Pretending he's Brett Favre, in the backyard, his mom with a fresh batch of cookies waiting for him in the kitchen. Dammit Rex, I want to like you. I need to like you. You're our bastion of hope. A beacon in the dark sea of past Bears QB's. Dammit boy, don't do this to me. Don't do it Rex.

What we're out of time? Yes, it's 1:00 in the AM and I'm not getting paid for this shit. It's a damn blog, not a magazine. You want closure? Go read your Hemingway and your Bill Shakespeare. I know, I know, worst segue to end a list ever. Shit, I still have to add some pictures and funny links. That's right, I'm taking you behind the scenes of my blog writing thought process. Did that just blow your mind?

Until next year. Keeping the 'Christ' in 'Christ on a bike!',

Chaim.




They just passed a law where it is now legal to actually murder this guy if you ever see him.

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