Poor Man's War Criminal: Geese

May 15, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Always the bastard child of the Anatidae family, which also includes swans and ducks, geese are one of the bains of my existence. I ask you geese, what's the point? You are ugly, grumpy creatures who scare children and shit everywhere.

All you ever do is mooch. 'Ooooh, give me some of that bread. Uh, could you please take the crust off first? I don't like the crust.' Fuck you goose. What right do you have to be picky? You son a bitch, go back in the water.

My hatred for this beast stems from my old apartment complex, overrun with geese that would always seem to know exactly what time I was coming home from work, so they could 'cross the street' right as I was getting there. After a long day at the office the last thing you want to see if a bunch of ugly ass birds taking their sweet ass time crossing the street in front of you, single file. Walk side by side you lazy asses. It's more efficient and timely. Have years of evolution taught you nothing?

Not to mention the fact that they shit everywhere. Stupid goose turds everywhere. Jesus H. I'm trying to live my life, make an honest living...now I need to worry about navigating through a obstacle course of goose shit every time I step outside? I've earned the right not to have to do that dammit.

Oh, and the hissing. These ungrateful pricks hiss at you every time you get too close. And let's be honest with each other...every time they would do that to me, a little pee would come out. I would toss and turn every night, sweating like Louie Anderson at Taste of Chicago, with nightmares of getting mauled by a roving gang of leather jacket-clad geese.

Out of mere principle I refuse to drink Goose Island beer.

Always one to judge a book by it's cover, I will call geese out for being ugly too. You're related to the swan, who historians have labeled as beautiful, and ducks, who are nothing if not cute. But you, with your shit brown feathers? No wonder you're so bitter. I hope that the Nuge hunts you down with the vigor and unrelenting fury of his guitar solo in 'Stranglehold'.

Fly south you pussies. Fly south.