A Thunder Matt Movie Minute Presents: The Oft-Delayed, Overly Long, Buzanis-Approved Summer Movie Preview

May 29, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

It was a Memorial Day weekend filled with painful Cubs losses in La La Land (oh that bullpen), open pit BBQ's and wacky Lindsay Lohan antics which were clearly fueled by Buzanis-supplied nose candy. But that's neither here nor there. Welcome back to work everyone!

To help ease you into the work week, we have this long-ass summer movie preview manifesto, whose length alone will probably intimidate you from actually reading it. But wait loyal reader (mom)...would it help if I said that this summer preview contains the seasoned wisdom of a one Thomas Buzanis? Yep, now I've got your interest. I enlisted the help of both Tommy and a drunken Ronald McDonald, who along with myself have put together an offensive and unhelpful movie guide. (And yes, Tommy really did contribute). You'll notice that Tommy contributed significantly less than the other two. Let it be said that he had to run over to Jimmy Johnson's annual Memorial Day BBQ, where Tommy's duties included watching the steaks and making his signature drink, Sex on the Beach (with minors). But I digress. Without further ado, here we go.

I Will Wait in a Semi-Long Line to See This, Thank You

Knocked Up
Release Date: June 1st
Website: http://www.knockedupmovie.com/
Synopsis: For fun loving party animal Ben Stone, the last thing he ever expected was for his one night stand to show up on his doorstep eight weeks later to tell him she's pregnant.
Chaim: The funniest movie you'll see all summer. Like The 40 Year-Old Virgin, it's raunch belies it's good natured heart.
Ronald: Guy accidentally knocks up girl, leading to unwanted baby. Sounds like the story of my life, minus the funny jokes and happy ending.
Tommy: Tommy B. is envious of t his story line...they tell me I went sterile a while back due to an unhealthy combination of the Applebee's combo platter and banana daiquiris. Regardless, this looks funny - I will financially support it.

Release Date: July 4th
Website: http://www.transformersmovie.com/
Synopsis: Dueling alien races, the Autobots and the Decepticons, bring their battle to Earth, leaving the future of humankind hanging in the balance.
Chaim: I can't help but feeling that this is yet another piece of my childhood that will be tainted by a subpar big screen rendering (Dukes of Hazzard anyone?). Yet I remain hopeful. The trailer does look pretty sweet, even if it does star avowed War Criminal and modern day Frankie Muniz, Shia Labouf. I will go in with low expectations and hope to be pleasantly surprised.
Ronald: (taking a swig of Wild Turkey, wiping his mouth on his clown sleeve) *Singing* Transformers, more than meets the fucking eye. Transformers. Robots in disguise. Owwwwwww!

Live Free or Die Hard
Release Date: June 27th
Website: http://www.livefreeordiehard.com/
Synopsis: John McClane (Willis) takes on an Internet-based terrorist organization who is systematically shutting down the United States.
Chaim: I get semi aroused watching the trailer. The only downside is the PG-13 rating. Boo. What is John McClane going to say? "Yippee-ki-yay mothertrucker?"
Ronald: I've been lobbying for years for "Live Free or Die Hard" to be the official slogan of McDonald's.
Tommy: Bruce was on the house boat before this interview, needless to say.

Release Date: May 18th in NY/LA, expanding slowly
Website: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/once/
Synopsis: A modern-day musical about a busker and an immigrant and their eventful week, as they write, rehearse and record songs that tell their love story.
Chaim: You are going to have to seek this one out, but it's worth the effort. I cannot recommend this one enough. Probably the best film I've seen all year. If you're not smitten with this film, I don't have time for you.
Ronald: This movie makes me want to settle down with a nice Czech girl who will feed me beefsteak and pour me frosty mugs of Pilsner Urquell. Here's a dating litmus test. Take your girl out for a nice steak dinner and then take her to see this. If that doesn't get you laid, there's no hope left for you. Kill yourself immediately.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Release Date: August 3rd
Website: http://www.bourne-ultimatum.net/
Synopsis: Bourne races to discover the final mysteries of his past while a government agent tries to track him down after a shootout in Moscow.
Chaim: The thinking man's action franchise. Realistic fight scenes, cool car chases...Jason Bourne is a blue collar Bond. I love it.
Ronald: (yelling at women in other room) I'll give YOU a bourne ultimatum. Warm up this dinner or leave! Fuck you. These McNuggets are cold in the middle. (Spitting out crumbs). *Depressed* God I'm unhealthy.

Release Date: August 17th
Website: http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/superbad/
Synopsis: Two co-dependent high school seniors (Hill and Cera) are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.
Chaim: Judd Apatow strikes again. The 'unrated trailer' looks pretty classic. And it's got George Michael from Arrested Development and unsung comic force Jonah Hill (Accepted, Knocked Up). This is the kind of teen comedy I can get behind.
Ronald: You do like to get behind teens. I'll be here all week folks! No but seriously, did you say there are young, hot teens in this movie?

The Savages
Website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/thesavages/trailer/
Synopsis: A sister (Linney) and brother (Hoffman) face the realities of familial responsibility as they begin to care for their ailing father.
Chaim: Sundance fave looks to fill the 'Wes Anderson/dysfunctional family' niche that 'Running With Scissors' failed so miserably at last year. Looks promising.
Ronald: Pardon my ignorance, but is this about Fred Savage?

Release Date: June 29th
Website: http://www.slashfilm.com/2007/05/23/michael-moores-sicko-movie-trailer-revealed/
Synopsis: A comedy about 45 million people with no health care in the richest country on earth.
Chaim: Everybody's favorite mop-topped activist hits the streets and the silver screen again, this time taking on health care. I'm sure this won't cause any controversy at all. He seems like a pretty affable guy who has never been one to stir the pot.
Ronald: Is this that fucker who did the 'Supersize Me' documentary? That guy did the McDonald's diet for 30 days...ooohhh. Big deal, I've been on that diet for over 30 years and I'm in the best shape of my life. That triple bypass was just a speedbump on my overall highway of health. Oh my God, I think I'm having a heart attack right now. Someone call the police post haste.

I Would Go See This as a Matinee, or Hell, It May End Up in My Netflix Queue

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Release Date: May 25th
Website: http://disney.go.com/disneypictures/pirates/atworldsend/
Synopsis: Captain Barbossa, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann must sail off the edge of the map, navigate treachery and betrayal, and make their final alliances for one last decisive battle.
Chaim: This was arrrghhh-right, but they didn't really shiver me timbers. (Crickets) This was better than the second one, but not on par with the first. A bit uneven, and I could have used more Keith Richards, but as usual, Depp keeps things entertaining.
Ronald: Keith Richards, that son of bitch. I just remember being with Keith on the Buzanis houseboat, summer of 77'. Cocaine, Jimmy Buffet passed out on the poop deck and pregnancies beginning and ending in the same night. I've tried to call Keith recently, but he doesn't answer. To be fair, I lost his number years ago and have resorted to dialing random combinations of numbers in the hopes of getting lucky. No such luck...yeah.
Tommy: You want adventure on the high seas do you ya? Try June 12th, 1986. Me and Kurt Rambis commandeered a British Naval vessel headed to Bermuda after several encounters with the real Captain Jack (Daniels). Rambis defecates on the Union Jack claiming he didn't care for British foreign policy at the time. Long story short, we were thrown over board and nearly devoured by sharks...Anyway, see this movie - it is 3 hours but well worth it - kind of like a bone session with Tommy B.

Oceans 13
Release Date: June 8th
Website: http://oceans13.warnerbros.com/
Synopsis: Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and circles up the boys for a third a heist, after casino owner Willy Bank (Al Pacino) double-crosses one of the original eleven, Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould).
Chaim: Really enjoyed the first one, lukewarm on the second. I can't help but think this is just an excuse for George Clooney to have all his buddies over to his Italian villa for a good old fashioned, fart filled sausage fest.
Ronald: Watching these movies puts me in the mood to drink. Though, lets be honest with each other, that can be said about every movie.
Tommy: I was actually talking to Pitt the other day, and he fully admitted the lads mailed it in on this one. Tommy was frustrated and explained that the cast should follow Ryan Theriot's example. Even if the Cubs are down 12 runs he will battle and take far too many pitches - he never gives up on an at-bat. Pitt said he didn't know who Ryan Theriot was. I told him to ask Cheadle. Cheadle said he didn't have time for this shit.

Death at a Funeral
Release Date: June 29th
Website: http://www.deathatafuneral-themovie.com/
Synopsis: Chaos ensues when a man tries to expose a dark secret regarding a recently deceased patriarch of a dysfunctional British family.
Chaim: Really, what's funnier than a funeral? Tommy Buzanis swears by this movie. Literally. He curses a red streak when he talks about it.
Ronald: This movie is British. Ronald McDonald stands for Americana. I will not see this. Tommy: Death at a Funeral is sealed with the Tommy Buzanis guarantee which I do not throw around lightly. Only twice before has it been called into play - Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS ( I guaranteed a Cubs victory) and I also invoked it when Princess Diana told Tommy she was pregnant and kind of hinted that it was mine. I guaranteed her I was sterile, ask Mike at the Fort Lauderdale Appelbee's. I said, she was confused. Anyway, this a perfect blend of British and American comedy brought to us from the guy who was the voice of Yoda - Frank Oz. See this movie.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
Release Date: July 20th
Website: http://www.chuckandlarry.com/
Synopsis: Two straight, single Brooklyn firefighters (Sandler, James) pretend to be a gay couple in order to receive domestic partner benefits.
Chaim: I'll admit it. I like King of Queens. I even kind of liked Hitch. File this one under 'guilty pleasure.' Really though, Adam Sandler has no where to go but up after 'The Longest Yard' and 'Click'.
Ronald: I am against gay marriage, so I won't be seeing this. Bi-curious trysts that occur under the influence of alcohol and barbiturates? Well that is fine, clearly.
Tommy: Title reminds me of the time Chuck Daley and Larry Bird came over to my old house boat and we shot vodka and played monopoly til 3 in the morning...Tommy lost his virginity that night - when I woke up there was a 6 foot fish lying next to me, I'm not saying I had sex with a fish - I'm just saying it's a possibility.

A Mighty Heart
Release Date: September 14th
Website: http://www.amightyheartmovie.com/
Synopsis: Mariane Pearl (Jolie) embarks on a frantic search to locate her journalist husband, Daniel, when he goes missing in Pakistan.
Chaim: This one looks like it could be good, albeit damn depressing. Here's an interesting tidbit. Angelina Jolie's friends? They call her 'Angie'. Hmmmm...

Undecided, Like Ronald's Ambiguous Sexuality

Release Date: July 20th
Website: http://www.hairspraymovie.com/
Synopsis: Pleasantly plump teenager Tracy Turnblad teaches 1962 Baltimore a thing or two about integration after landing a spot on a local TV dance show.
Chaim: I saw this. Musicals aren't my thing, much less musicals with John Travolta in drag. That being said, I can appreciate it as being well made and appealing to the same tragic crowd that made High School Musical a phenomenon. Much more entertaining than Dreamgirls though, which is a backhanded compliment if there ever was one.
Tommy: Hey Chaim, if you wanted to come out of the closet there are better ways of doing it rather than saying you like "Hairspray"!! (Me and Freddy Couples just high-fived. He is over here with me).

The Simpsons Movie
Release Date: July 27th
Website: http://www.simpsonsmovie.com/#
Synopsis: Homer must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created.
Chaim: Am I the only one not excited for this? Nothing against The Simpsons. It's a well-written show, albeit one I haven't watched in about 8 years. Full disclosure. 8th grade I had a Bart Simpson button that was literally the size of a pancake (normal pancakes, not those chincy 'dollar size' ones) that I wore on an oversized black windbreaker to school. It's slogan? 'Don't have a cow man'. Maybe I just harbor resentment towards The Simpsons from all of the times I got beat up for that.
Ronald: Piss break!

Evan Almighty
Release Date: June 22nd
Website: http://www.evanalmighty.com/
Synopsis: God (Freeman) contacts Congressman Evan Baxter (Carell) and tells him to build an ark in preparation for a great flood.
Chaim: I like Steve Carell as much as any Generation Y Caucasian male out there but this one seems a bit Night at the Museum-ish for me. Probably more of a renter, as with all the damn animals in this one we will surely be subject to the obligatory 'animal humping/defecating/farting/dressed up in funny clothes' scene. That's frustrating.
Ronald: I just watched the trailer and all I have to say is, 'Christ Almighty'.

Release Date: June 22nd
Website: http://www.1408-themovie.com/
Synopsis: A man who specializes in debunking paranormal occurrences checks into the fabled room 1408 in the Dolphin Hotel. Soon after settling in, he confronts genuine terror.
Chaim: The good: Based on a Stephen King novel. Stars John Cusack and Sam Jackson. Trailer looks creepy. The bad: Sam Jackson hasn't made a good movie in years and the premise reeks of The Number 23, a movie for which I could rattle off at least 23 reasons NOT to see.
Ronald: Is this about Columbus discovering America? I have it on good faith that is was Amerigo Vespucci and NOT Columbus that discovered the free world. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Immediately upon discovering America the first thing he did was build a McDonald's. True story.

Eagle Vs. Shark
Release Date: June 15th
Website: http://www.eaglevsshark.net/
Synopsis: Eagle vs Shark is the tale of two socially awkward misfits and the strange ways they try to find love; through revenge on high-school bullies, burgers, and video games.
Chaim: It's Napolean Dynamite, done up New Zealand style! Not sure what New Zealand style entails. Judging from the preview, that style means 'more funny when you're stoned.'
Ronald: I am actually stoned right now. And you're right, I just laughed my ass off at that trailer. I am so hungry. Is that cliche for a stoned person, such as myself, to say? Well fuck it, I am.

Release Date: August 10th
Website: http://www.stardustmovie.com/
Synopsis: In a countryside town bordering on a magical land, a young man makes a promise to his beloved that he'll retrieve a fallen star by venturing into the magical realm.
Chaim: This looks to be equal parts The Princess Bride and Raging Bull.
Ronald: Chaim, you are a Raging Homosexual if you go see this.
Chaim: Classy Ronald. Lets keep this out of the gutter. I know it's really hard...
Ronald: (Interrupting) That's what your boyfriend said.

Shoot Me. Shoot Me Now.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer
Release Date: June 15th
Website: http://www.fantasticfourmovie.com/
Synopsis: The Fantastic Four learn that they aren't the only super-powered beings in the universe when they square off against the powerful Silver Surfer and the planet-eating Galactus.
Chaim: The Silver Surfer character looks cool, but did anyone see the first one? A mess of a film that even a bra and panty-clad Jessica Alba could not redeem.
Ronald: (vomits a little on chest)

Rush Hour 3
Release Date: August 10th
Website: http://www.apple.com/trailers/newline/rushhour3/
Synopsis: While in Paris, Lee and Carter inadvertently get mixed up with the Chinese Triad crew.
Chaim: That trailer makes me sad.
Ronald: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in France. I don't know who either of those people are. Should I?

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Release Date: July 13th
Website: http://www.harrypotterorderofthephoenix.com/
Synopsis: With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return scoffed at, Harry and Dumbledore are targeted by the Wizard authorities as an authoritarian bureaucrat slowly seizes power at Hogwarts.
Chaim: I've never seen any of these. Never read the books either. My nerd loyalties reside with The Shire.
Ronald: Magic is the work of the devil. These kids should be tried by hung jury. Speaking of hung, I am one horny dude.

License to Wed
Release Date: July 4th
Website: http://licensetowedthemovie.warnerbros.com/
Synopsis: A marriage counselor puts one couple through a series of relationship challenges during a the most grueling marriage preparation course ever.
Chaim: To paraphrase our own Brant Brown, who once said, "Rap is to music as AIDS is to life," I say to you, "Robin Williams is to cinema what AIDS is to life".
Ronald: Ha, Robin Williams! I love that guy. Did you see RV? I was pretty shitfaced, but I seem to remember immediately turning to a nameless whore in bed with me and saying, "Comedy classic. Mark it down."
Tommy: Robin was much funnier when he was doing blow...We would play golf in Arizona and by the end of the round the golf cart looked as though it had snowed on the inside. The beer cart girl would come around and Robby would have her naked in 5 minutes. Tommy would be hitting his lob wedge and in the middle of my backswing I would hear noises that reminded me of the hot tub at Ronald's house. I digress, don't see this film.