Chaimng In: Strange Brew Edition

June 16, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Coming to you straight from the poop deck of the Orifice Penetrator, anchored somewhere in the middle of Great Bear Lake, I bring you these stray, Molson-induced observations:

-The boys in blue take 2 of 3 from the boys in powder blue. Machine Gun Lilly and Jason Marquis combine for two wins and zero smiles. Nothing particularly boner-inducing from this series, save for the Jays cool old uniforms they aren't afraid to break out. They don't give a shit. Reed Johnson? Still more popular north of the border than he is here. Jim Edmonds? Playing well, but unlike Reeder, he has no chance of winning me over, save for a series-clinching, playoff walk-off. Damn you and your restaurants Edmonds. Toronto pitching? Solid. Toronto hitting? About as imposing as me with my shirt off. Marco Scutaro? Kevin Mench? Jason Inglett? Exit stage left of my life. You'll never compete with the Yankees and Red Sox, nay, the Rays, with that collection of vagabonds and child molesters. Next.

-I listened to Saturday's game on the radio while sunning myself in a Canadian flag adorned Speedo. Santo was gone. In his place, the horrifically insignificant Dave Otto. That guy is like the K-Mart of sports announcers. I was able to lure several small children over to the boat with promises of candy and blackberry brandy, just so I could make them listen to snippets of Otto, before sternly warning them, "Don't be like that." The screams of their horrified parents aside, I think I may have gotten through to a few of them.

-Word is that the Cubs are in the market for a starting pitcher. We're hearing the names of two pitchers with initials for first names. 'CC Sabathia' and 'AJ Burnett'. I'd prefer CC (Deville), if only because, well, as Cubs fan, I have this phobia of pitchers with a history of arm injuries. Plus, it's been well documented that I love me a fat player (Cecil Fielder, Fernando Valenzuela, Louie Anderson).

-These NBA Finals are about as exciting as waiting for a wealthy old relative to die so you can have their inheritance. Who is this Kobe Bryant that I've heard everyone talk about? I haven't seen him show up in any of these games. Am I missing something?

-You know what's underrated? Mediterranean food. Tommy cooked me up quite the feast the other night. Hummus, falafel, dill rice and of course, Tommy's Famous Beef Kabob. I love putting Tommy's beef kabob in my mouth. So tender. Try it.

-The commercials for that movie The Love Guru? Sent me into an epileptic fit and I don't even have epilepsy. Somebody get me a beef kabob!

-Our prayers go out to our brethren to the west in Iowa. The footage is like a scene out of that Costner movie Waterworld, and just as hard to watch. I'm not sure what my home state did to cause Fortuna's wheel to spin downward like this, but they're a resilient folk who will bounce back.

-The Cubs now move on to play the Rays. A few years ago and fans would be cursing the baseball gods for putting such an abomination on the schedule, but now it makes for a potentially intriguing and exciting series. I'm sure the national press will be all over the whole Cliff Floyd vs. his former mates angle. Cubs take two of three and I take two of three from Tommy in Yahtzee.