War Criminal: Wind

June 17, 2008 | Comments (0) | by T.R.

By now all of you have heard about this new M. Night Shyamalan film The Happening. From all accounts, it looks to be a horrifically terrible piece of "art" (Update: I was forced to see it over the weekend, and its presentation is laughable at best, mind-numbingly idiotic at worst). However, every fabrication in life and on film, every tall tale, grows forth from some grain of truth embedded within our society. Do trees and grass attack us like they do in the movie? No, that's patently ridiculous. That being said, there is one devious malcontent in the realm of nature that clearly has it out for all things living: Wind (to the right is an artist's rendering).

No single source has given us a definitive account of the first instance of wind on our fair Earth. It seems to be a relic that even pre-dates the dinosaurs. We know that Wind has been around far longer than the history of man. It has fared well for itself without even the most rudimentary concepts of civilization, without any tangible presence, without any observable need to replenish its energies, and it most certainly thrives without a soul.

Often it resides on the fringes of populated areas, barely noticeable for days. At other times, Wind seeks attention violently, making it's presence known with screaming defiance and no remorse. Has it prohibited the progress of man? Yes. One must often overcome its anger and hatred while jogging or riding a bicycle. Instances such as this, though, are minor annoyances compared to what Wind is capable of. Wind is wiley and uncontrollable, allowing it to elude penalty and incarceration.Though it has never been detained and tried in a court of law, Wind has been held accountable for a number of deaths across the globe.

We can only hope that it is a simple matter of time before justice is brought against Wind. The following is just a sample of the case currently being built against this most formidable of foes:

One of the earliest documented instances of Wind's direct implication in murder, from the New York Times, January 9, 1911.

In 2003, Wind killed a man who tried to harness it for pleasure.

It is believed that Wind has a history of taunting those that cannot defend themselves, notably the elderly and the young.

Wind has been implicated in at least one assassination of a public leader.

At least one account exists of Wind eluding airport security and committing a terrorist act while a passenger jet was in flight.

In one documented case, Wind was held accountable in the demise of another legendary mythological entity.

Not only do humans suffer the brute force and vengeance of wind, but animals as well.

Finally, Wind is disgusted by our reliance on oil.

This is but a glimpse into the eye of a killer and miscreant that we must, unfortunately, learn to co-exist with. Wind is only one member of a murderous family, bearing relation to such other deadly phenomenon as tornadoes, hurricanes and typhoons. Wind is a creature for which we must stay vigilant, remaining in awe of its greatness; never turning our backs to it or cursing it for fear of immediate retribution.