Happy Festivus to All!

December 22, 2008 | Comments (0) | by White Chili

It's that time of year again. A time where we can all disregard the commercialization of highly decorated Christmas trees and raise an aluminum pole without the fear of distracting tinsel. An alternative. A Festivus for the rest of us. The Bears gave me my first Festivus miracle last night with an exciting game that left me exhausted both physically and sexua......emotionally.

It's time now for the airing of grievances.

  • Winter: 4 degrees yesterday. 4. It's supposed to be a little warmer today when the ice and 8 inches of snow arrive. Thank the good Lord.
  • The McDouble: I was in the middle of a bar crawl last week when my compatriots and I stopped by McDonalds for a break. I wanted a double cheeseburger but noticed that it wasn't on the dollar menu anymore. It had been replaced by something called the "McDouble". I asked the kindly teller what that was and she told me that it was a double cheeseburger but with only one slice of cheese instead of two. "..." You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!
  • Tony Kornheiser: You have one bullet left...what DO you DO?

  • Yellow Starbursts: No one likes you. People only eat you to get to the real candy. Just stop already.
  • Commercials: Thank you Tivo. Thank you for allowing me to bypass the $5 footlongs, saved by zeroes, and 9/11 commemorative plates. I'd like Sarah McLachlan and her dying dogs to grab the vomiting stock baby and play in traffic long enough so that it distracts me from people strumming guitars trying to sell me dick medicine while a college dropout sings about poor credit on the way to his dead-end job at Red Lobster.

I'm done with my meat loaf. Festivus isn't over until someone pins me. Now get over here and fight your father...