NFL Picks Week 15

December 11, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Governor X

Political scandal and NFL Picks seem to go hand in hand here at PC, so its really a no brainer that we'd "go there". Yes, NFL games will be picked by none other than Canada's Governor General, Her Excellency, The Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean who as you well know, recently granted Prime Minister Stephen Harper's request to take his ball and go home to Alberta rather than face an embarrassing defeat in the Commons. What? You thought I was going to let Blagojevich do these? Hell no. Dude's fucking nuts.

Hello, bon jour. You don't have the slightest idea who I am do you? I'll try to educate you as I go along.

New Orleans at Chicago
As Governor General of Canada, its my role to fulfill Queen Elizabeth's duties as Head of State. In other words, I do nothing, sort of like the Bears quarterback.

Pick: Bears 18 Saints 14

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
For the last time, when I say I serve at the Queen's pleasure, I do NOT mean Jeff Garcia.

Pick: Falcons 35 Bucs 27

Washington at Cincinnati
OK OK. I couldn't really stop Harper from running away from Parliament because as I said, I have no power. I just like the attention I'm getting. I'll show you my boobs if you throw me beads too.

Pick: Redskins 27 Bengals 6

Tennessee at Houston
Little known fact: My husband, the Viceregal Consort of Canada, Jean-Daniel Lafond is a huge Tennessee Titans fan.

Pick: Titans 34 Texans 10

Detroit at Indianapolis
Peyton Manning is a douche, eh?

Pick: Indianapolis 112 Detroit 3

Green Bay at Jacksonville
I used to root for Green Bay, but then I found out it wasn't nearly as close to Canada as I had thought. Fuck those hosers.

Pick: Packers 29 Jags 17

San Diego at Kansas City
I had a lot of loons riding on the Chargers this year. I think I'm gonna take a bath on that one.

Pick: Chargers 22 Chiefs 17

San Francisco at Miami
Miami isn't too far from Haiti where I was born. Don't ask how I went from Haitian slums to being the Queen's right hand gal in Ottawa. Its not a pretty story, so all I'll say is it involves equal amounts of paella and full-frontal male nudity.

Pick: Dolphins 27 49ers 21

Buffalo at NY Jets
When I took this job, I was 48. I'm not sure, but that may be younger than Brett Favre.

Pick: Jets 54 Bills 38

Seattle at St. Louis
No one cares about this game, so I'll just use this opportunity to tell you I dabbled in Québecois separatism back in the 90s. It was like coke in the 80s though. Everyone was doing it.

Pick: Snooze 15 Bore 9 (Snooze = Seattle)

Minnesota at Arizona
I really wish I was in Arizona for this one. Its 3 degrees in Ottawa right now.

Pick: Cardinals 37 Vikings 20

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
If you like defense, this is the game for you. Me? I don't give a shit about defense, so I'll be watching some of my tivo'd Price is Right. Its just not the same since Bob Barker left, but I still enjoy it.

Pick: Steelers 10 Ravens 9

Denver at Carolina
In the time it takes to say my full title - Her Excellency the Right Honourable Michaëlle Jean, Chancellor and Principal Companion of the Order of Canada, Chancellor and Commander of the Order of Military Merit, Chancellor and Commander of the Order of Merit of the Police Forces, Governor General and Commander-in-Chief in and over Canada - the Denver defense can give up three touchdowns.

Pick: Panthers 35 Broncos 21

New England at Oakland
Junior Seau is back with the Pats because of injuries. They may need another QB too if Cassel can't make it back from his family business. If they do, look for them to sign Slingin' Sammy Baugh who I'm told is only slightly older than Seau.

Pick: Patriots 24 Raiders 0

NY Giants at Dallas
Dallas is a bigger fraud than Gilles Duceppe!

Pick: Giants 33 Cowboys 21

Cleveland at Philadelphia
Hah! Don't tell anyone back home, but I got all the way through these without obeying our silly French/English language laws. Take that Francophone Canada!

Pick: Eagles 28 Browns 14

Pomp Culture stands on guard for thee.