McDonald's, I Just Can't Quit You

December 15, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Arcturus

I have a confession to make. I have an addiction. Not a cool addiction, mind you. Not an addiction that would give me any kind of street cred. Not hard core drugs, not cigarettes, porn, or booze.

No, the insidious addiction that haunts me is the consumption of fast food, particularly the "food" dispensed by McDonald's. I know, I know. The stuff is no good for me. Hell, sometimes it isn't even all that good. It causes health problems, obesity (already there), and could shorten my lifespan. Still, when I see those frigging Golden Arches, I start salivating like Pavlov's dogs. Suddenly, I'm craving French Fries (which may or not be warm, see below) and ground beef patties so thin they make the Olsen twins jealous.

I've tried to quit eating fast food several times. I'm not a stupid person. As I mentioned above, I know the risks. Yet all it takes is a busy day at work or a simple fit of laziness and I fall right back into their clutches. I'm not one of those whiny little bitches who blames the fast food industry for my problems. I know it's all up to me to quit. So I'm not gonna sue anyone because I made myself a fatass eating the following:

1. The Big Mac

Oh, mama. This is the go-to choice, what I pick when I can't decide what I really want. Sure the special sauce is probably made from bull semen and there's more beef in Paris Hilton right now, but hot damn, these taste good. Big Mac, you had me at sesame seed bun.

2. McNuggets

What the hell is a nugget anyway? Does anyone really believe that McDonald's mines for chicken? A few years ago, they claimed that nuggets are now made of all white chicken. Personally, I can't tell the difference in taste at all, even if the color of the meat changed from dull gray to white. Of course, mystery meat or no, the fact that it's wrapped in a heart-attack inducing shell of pure grease doesn't help. If you can really taste the chicken through that, I'm really impressed. Just in case you were wondering, my neck increased in girth by two and a half inches just from McNuggets.

3. Southern Fried Chicken Biscuit

What sadistic cocksucker came up with this one? Take a buttery, flaky biscuit, a perfectly normal breakfast food, and slap a southern fried chicken patty on it. Nirvana, pure and simple. You would think this would be terrible, but it's not. Greasy Southern fried chicken and biscuits in the morning in a package you can hold in your fat hoof. That's almost Elvisian.

4. French Fries

If you get the fries at the right time, they're hot and salty (like my nuts). Wrong time of day, you end up with the lukewarm, soggy fries that have been bathing under the heatlamps for hours. It's a total crapshoot every time you go. And every McDonald's has different times of day when the fries are fresh, so there's no real way to predict when you'll get the good shit. Hot crispy fries are like winning the fucking lotto.

5. McRib

This is the most diabolical weapon in the Golden Arches' arsenal. It's so potent, they only trot it out a couple of times a year. This barbecue drenched slab of pork(?) on a roll is the ultimate fast food high. Personally, I'm convinced the sauce is laced with some sort of addictive narcotic substance. Ambrosia perhaps? The mere sight of the "McRib is Back" banners cause urges in me that are usually reserved for Mrs. Arcturus and the likes of Anne Hatheway. Surely, this is not normal. During McRib season, I can only make love if drenched in barbeque sauce and sprinkled with onions. And the really shitty part is, just when they've made a junkie out of you, McDonald's pulls the sandwich. Motherfuckers! Now you're forced to go cold turkey and once you've successfully detoxed, you swear you'll never order another McRib ever again. When it comes back though, you find yourself first in line, telling yourself "just one this time". Then the next thing you know, it's a month later and you're going through dumpsters looking for any McRibs some heartless bastard couldn't finish and threw away.

In conclusion, I have a problem. But I can quit any time. Is that a McRib in your bag? I would cap my mother for a McRib right now, so you better hand it over.