War Hero: Online Shopping

December 18, 2008 | Comments (0) | by Chaim Witz

Do you still drive to work in a horse and buggy? Do you eat soggy, easy to chew mush for dinner? Do you strictly observe the Sabbath? Do you still write checks?

If you answered 'no' to all of the aforementioned questions, then online shopping is for your my friend. Step into the new millennium. Online shopping is where its at. Malls are going the way of dinosaurs and creationism. Unless you still ride a skateboard, why are you at the mall?

Seriously folks, there's really no room for argument here. Let's observe some of the many ways that online shopping gives a bare butt spanking to your grandfather's mall walking.

*You can shop online in the nude if you want. Not that you would, but the option is there. Get comfy for Christ Sakes, I don't give a shit.

*No high pressure sales tactics. That son of a bitch at Best Buy that tries to get you to buy extended warranties and cables you don't need? Don't worry about that zit-faced dropout anymore. Just order online. Don't want to pay shipping? Order in-store pickup, have the Hundley swing by with his truck, pick up your TV and flip off the sales staff in the process.

*Speaking of shipping: In this economy, damn near everybody offers free shipping. It's just a waiting game. Your patience will eventually be rewarded. On Amazon, all orders over $25 are eligible for free shipping. Did I just say that? You bet your Tickle Me Elmo I did!

*It's much easier to shop around online. You don't need to actually get in your car and drive all around hell to find what you want. Think about it. Instead of potentially getting killed in an auto wreck looking for a good deal on porn, you can just shop around online (if your wife isn't home!)

*Some people worry about credit card/id theft. Ooohhhhh yeah. What are you, shopping on Geocities websites? C'mon now. This isn't your Daddy's Internet. Chances are higher that you'll lose your wallet at the store than someone nabbing your info from a secure site. C'mon Grandma, put your faith in technology, not the inherent goodness of man!

*The anticipation is glorious. Normally you open your mailbox to find bills, hate mail and the occasional Maltov cocktail. Fuck that. How about the latest John Grisham book, a Persian rug or a wireless video game controller? Take your head out of the oven my friend, it's on it's way. Even better is ordering stuff to your work. Nothing breaks up the monotony of a dreary work day like that hot UPS guy Raul sauntering into your office and plopping down a new sweater or the the latest installment of NOW That's What I Call Music!

*You can order anything online. The Internet is like one giant store that sells everything and most times for cheaper than what you'd find in your old brick and mortar store. Groceries? Bingo. Living in Chicago and not having a car, Peapod is invaluable. That's right, having others deliver your groceries isn't just for invalids anymore. Need an ALF costume on the fly? Well, unless you live in Mankato you're probably shit out of luck. Wait, Costumes Galore in Mankato delivers anywhere in the US? Somebody is gettin' laid tonight and that person hails from Melmac.

*You like to "try stuff out" eh? First off, if you're a dude you should know your clothing sizes already, so scratch that. Everything else can abide by the 'Borders Rule' (not to be confused with the Lindsay Lohan/Jane Fonda dramedy Georgia Rule). That being, I'll go into Borders, not giving a s-h-i-t. Great little place, full of knowledge and horned rimmed glasses. But I won't buy books there. God no. I go there, get some ideas and then go buy the books at Amazon for significantly cheaper. I don't think I've ever found a book cheaper in the store than on Amazon.

This doesn't just go for books. Electronics. Go to the store, try some shit out and then tell the sales guy to kiss his commission goodbye when you go online and shop around for the best deal. Bingo. Bongo. Cunnilingus.

In conclusion, brick and mortar shopping is pretty much for losers and the Amish. That would be like me handwriting this post and sending it to everyone I know instead of just posting it online.

Only 7 shopping days til Christmas. Plenty of time to get that cheese and sausage tray delivered to Grandpappy. Take heart in the knowledge that you won't get trampled on the way out of Walmart.